Boundaries: Step Four: Your Family and other Animals - Jennie Miller

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hand while you go through the book so you can write down your experience of exercises like this and ideas that you want to make a note of so you can build up your own Learning Journal as you work through the book.

      Part of understanding how to use boundaries is learning to look at interpersonal relationships and your own part in them. Then, deciding where and how to establish a boundary doesn’t just get easier, it becomes self-evident. The exercise above is your first step towards this.

      Developing confidence in your own decision-making and its effect on your behaviour will make you happier as it means you are properly owning and taking care of yourself. In our experience: boundaries can give peace of mind. Boundaries give freedom. Boundaries are bliss.

      ‘Family not only need to consist of merely those whom we share blood, but also for those whom we’d give blood.’

      CHARLES DICKENS

      Our common fantasy family life draws on inspiration from those loving, yet chaotic groups in fiction like The Waltons, Modern Family, or even The Munsters. Who doesn’t hark occasionally back to life in Happy Days? Reality is rarely that simple though.

      In Step Four, we are going to look at family members in four sections: Parents/Elders; Children; Adolescents; and Siblings and Blended Families. You may find it helpful to start with the Parents section, even if your most obvious point of conflict is with a child or brother, as many of our patterns begin with ‘Mum’ and ‘Dad’.

      A family group needs boundaries just like the relationships we create through work or romance. But families come with some relationships ready-made – i.e. the one between your parents, that between siblings, etc. And they come with attitudes that have an impact which may be beyond anyone’s control. Plus, the stakes can be higher, thanks to cultural pressures.

      The trouble with this fantasy idea – the dream of the perfect family as a necessary goal for everyone – is that it affects your ability to build the very boundaries which could make it more real. Our need for a fantasy family weakens our ability to create a real one.

      And it can feel artificial to control your boundaries with your family rather than letting them evolve ‘naturally’, but healthy boundaries will take you much closer to your dream of a happy family than relying on past behaviour or hoping for the best.

      Families are not natural organisms that will automatically develop into the best shape for all participants. The family as we know it is very much an artificial construct based around tradition, fiction and masses of hope. So, at any point be aware that your biology does not need you to be in a family unit. It is just as ‘natural’ to be independent from some or all of your family as it is to be that nuclear image of the Modern Family, where everyone gets along somehow and meets for lunch on high days and holidays.

      What we will do in this step is explore how boundaries can improve relationships between family members – whether you choose to stay in a large Waltons-type community, a 2+2, prefer a more solitary experience with occasional Christmas cards and FB postings, or complete self-sequestration. Understand that it is OK to live any way and boundaries will help you achieve this.

      Let’s stop and think how difficult this will be. We know boundaries in families may be the most awkward to tackle; that’s why we’ve left them until you’ve had a bit of practice on yourself and less established relationships first.

      Hopefully you will be more boundary-fit, having learnt a few skills and developed them in a more neutral setting. Take a moment to think of an occasion when you have used a boundary (or even just thought of one) since you began reading this step. Make a note of it in your Learning Journal.

      Note that you are still reading this book. Well done on having a clear desire to address your boundaries, even if that desire is a very quiet or indeterminate voice at present. We’re not expecting all readers to be boundary-ready at once; you may not even see the full benefit for some months after you put this book down.

      What we all aim for is to deliver as parents – or to receive as children – is a ‘good enough’ experience.

      Why just ‘good enough’? Let’s all mentally pick up a picture of the most famous happy family we can think of – whether that is the Dunphys in Modern Family, the Brockmans in Outnumbered, or the Ingalls family in Little House on the Prairie. Now rip that picture up. No family is perfect; let’s take off the pressure. From this moment on, there is nothing to live up to; you decide the family you want to be part of.

      Draw the Line: ditch your preconceptions about what should be: let’s enjoy what is and what can be. That’s what we mean by ‘good enough’.

      This process will highlight what isn’t good enough for you and your family and what can be done about that. Let’s go forward from here.

       EXERCISE: Draw Up Your Family

      We’re going to divide parents/elders (which includes grandparents, adoptive or foster parents, or any significant older person who played that type of role in your life) into three broad categories:

      • Mr and Mrs Pedestal,

      • Mr and Mrs Nightmare (‘Oversteppers’ and ‘Ghosts’),

      • Mr and Mrs Not-Bad.

      (We’ve kept the ‘Mr & Mrs’ convention – simply because the stereotype emphasises the preposterousness of the idealised family.)

      Create two or more lists in your Learning Journal – on one, write Parent 1, on the other, Parent 2. You can also add Parent 3, 4, or more to represent a step-parent/grandparent/carer as appropriate to your family set-up.

      For each person, write down the answer to the following questions:

      • What do I call this parent? (E.g. Mum, Daddy, Gramps, Mr Smith.)

      • Are they alive?

      • If so, do I know them? How well on a scale of 1–10? (1 = who they are by name only; 5 = polite conversation once a week, you know you can talk to them about their garden; 10 = I can always tell them how I am feeling.)

      • Do they tell me they love me and do I reciprocate?

      • Do I feel loved – when I’m with them and when I’m away?

      • Can I talk to them about money (or other practical) difficulties?

      • When I’m with them, do I feel child-like, either with a desire to be good and pleasing, or rebelling against all that they say and winding them up?

      • Do I disagree with them (and is it OK to do that)?

      • Am I aware of displeasing them; either now as a grown up or historically as a child?

      • Do I ever wish they or I were someone else? This might be a real person, someone from fiction, or a fantasy construct bringing together longed-for characteristics found in a variety of people.

      Now, examine your lists. From your answers, you will be creating a picture of how attentive your parents were towards you, how much you resented or enjoyed their level of attention and how well you feel you truly know each other.

      Now consider if they match up (and to what degree) to the categories below.

      Meet the Pedestal Parents

      Mr and Mrs Pedestal might look like perfect parents. Perhaps you live close by, share weekly meals, support and enjoy each other’s company, and hopefully feel loved and can love back in return. So, how can boundaries help you? Do you even need to adjust this relationship?

      Perhaps. Do you truly view your relationship

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