LITMIR.BIZ

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of the word “seducing” had at first startled her, Rebecca knew Dorothea had never had any sexual interest in her. Dorothea labeled Rebecca a “one.” She believed sexual preference was inborn and fell on a continuum, with complete heterosexuality a “one” and complete homosexuality a “ten” and bisexuality a “five-point-five.” When she described people she’d met to Rebecca, she might say “he’s a cardiologist, practices in Seattle, a three.” A few years ago, Rebecca had been interested in a guy when she was on assignment after an earthquake wiped out a village in Guatemala. When she told Dorothea she was attracted to him, Dot had clucked her tongue. “He’s a seven,” she’d said. “Can’t you see that?”

      “Oh, come on,” Rebecca had said. “He’s totally hetero.”

      Dot had shrugged. “Just warning you.”

      He was a seven. Maybe even an eight. He’d told

      Rebecca he wasn’t married, but she soon learned that Paul, the man he shared a house with, was doing more than just paying his share of the mortgage. Dorothea had sized the guy up with one quick look. She could be spooky that way.

      She had that skill as a physician, too, an ability to diagnose with a glance or the lightest of touches. Rebecca had learned so much from her. Dorothea had made her a better clinician, as well as nurturing her longing to work in disaster areas. “You need a wild streak to do this work, babe,” she’d told her during that early seduction period. “And you’ve got it. But you also need discipline.”

      “I’m disciplined.” Rebecca had been insulted. “How do you think I got through medical school?”

      “Different kind of discipline,” Dorothea said. “It’s a focus. No matter what’s going on around you—power out, buildings caving in, mud up to your ankles—you see only the patient. You need blinders.”

      Rebecca had developed the blinders and the focus and the love of the work. She would never love that there were disasters in the world, but when she’d get a phone call in the middle of the night telling her there’d been a quake in South America and she needed to get to the airport immediately, she felt a current of electricity whip through her body.

      “Brent,” Dorothea said now, “is a good man.”

      Rebecca had expected Dot to give her a host of reasons why she shouldn’t even consider marrying Brent—or anyone else, for that matter. But Dorothea probably thought of Brent as the best match for her, given their shared commitment to DIDA. Their relationship was built on friendship and mutual respect. That was the best foundation for a marriage, wasn’t it?

      “Well, yeah.” She sipped her wine. “He is. But I don’t see the point of marrying him.”

      “It’s probably a bad idea,” Dorothea agreed. “But have you thought about what it would be like? The two of you sharing the leadership of DIDA together? Could be amazing, actually. Very fulfilling for both of you.”

      Rebecca rolled her eyes. “You know, it irritates the hell out of me when you talk like you have one foot in the grave.” It also irritated her to think of sharing DIDA’s leadership with Brent. With anyone.

      Dorothea shrugged. “Just being a realist.”

      “A fatalist is more like it.”

      Dorothea leaned toward her across the table. “I want you to be ready to take over the day I can’t do it any longer,” she said. “It may be twenty years from today or it may be tomorrow.”

      “Well, I’m pulling for the twenty years,” Rebecca said. She added reassuringly, “You know I’m ready, willing and able, Dot. Don’t sweat it.”

      “So back to you and Brent,” Dorothea said, and Rebecca realized this was not the first time Dot had considered their sharing DIDA’s helm. “You do squabble a lot.”

      “Squabble?” Rebecca smiled at the word, but she had to admit that Dorothea was right. “True,” she said, “but only about the small stuff.”

      “You both have the fire in your belly for disaster work, that’s for sure. He’s as wild as you are. Almost, anyway,” she said with a wry shrug. “You’re positively feral.”

      Rebecca laughed. She liked the description.

      “Neither of you has ever wanted kids or a house in the burbs with a white picket fence,” Dorothea continued. “You’ve got the same values.”

      Right again, Rebecca thought. She’d never wanted to settle down. She didn’t care where she lived, and kids had never been part of her life plan. When she witnessed Maya and Adam’s battle to have a baby, the lengths they were willing to go to to get pregnant, she knew she was missing the maternal gene.

      “You surprise me, Dot,” she said. “I didn’t think me getting married would be something you wanted.”

      “I don’t particularly, but it’s your choice. Why would I care?”

      “Because you like having me living upstairs from you, for starters.”

      “Get real.” Dorothea took a sip from her water glass. “You’re pushing forty and—”

      “Thirty-eight!”

      “And you’re not my prisoner. I can’t really see you and Brent as husband and wife. As the leaders of DIDA, though, you’d make a splendid team.”

      “Well, I’m not interested in getting married. And besides, I don’t—” Rebecca glanced across the room at Brent again “—I’m not sure I love him.”

      “You either do or you don’t.”

      “Well, isn’t there something in between? With Louisa, wasn’t there a period of time when you weren’t sure?”

      They never tiptoed around the subject of Louisa, but Rebecca could still see the sadness in Dorothea’s eyes at the mention of her name. Rebecca had learned so much about grief working with Dorothea. You didn’t hide from it, but you didn’t let it rule your life either.

      “I met Lou on a Monday.” Dorothea looked off into the distance. “I knew I loved her on Tuesday. But it’s not always that neat and simple.” She returned her gaze to Rebecca. “Don’t marry him unless you’re sure,” she said. “Not fair to him or to yourself. You’re an independent woman, with a capital I. That’s what makes you so perfect for DIDA. Not so perfect for marriage.”

      Rebecca’s cell vibrated in her pocket and she checked the caller ID.

      “Maya,” she said.

      “Ah,” Dorothea said. “The princess.” She motioned toward the phone. “Go ahead. Take it.”

      Rebecca leaned back in her chair and flipped the phone open. “Hey, sis,” she said.

      “It’s happening again.” There were tears in her sister’s voice, and Rebecca sat up straight.

      “Oh, no,” she said. “Oh, shit. Are you sure? Where are you?”

      Dorothea stopped her fork halfway to her mouth and Rebecca felt her eyes on her.

      “I’m walking Chauncey and I’m … now I’m just leaning against this damn tree because I’m half a mile from home, and I … it’s like I think if I just stand here very still I can stop it somehow, but I know I can’t. It’s over, Becca.”

      Rebecca stood up, mouthing to Dorothea, She’s losing her baby, and walked through the restaurant in a blur.

      “Bec?”

      “I’m right here. Just wanted to get out of the restaurant.” She walked into the ladies’ room, locked herself in a stall and leaned against the wall. “Where’s Adam?”

      “At the hospital. I’m sure he’s still in surgery.”

      Rebecca felt helpless. She was three thousand miles away.

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