LITMIR.BIZ

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chimney breast.

      Almost as skinny as she was and not much taller, with a pallid wrinkled face swelling from a pointed chin to a bulbous brow above which a few sad last grey hairs clung like sea grass on a sanddune, he had the look of a superannuated leprechaun, a similitude underlined by the garish green-and-orange checked waistcoat he wore under a dark grey suit jacket, shiny with age. His voice was high-pitched without being squeaky. He could have been anything from seventy to ninety. But his eyes were bright and keen.

      ‘And where do they say that, Mr Melton? Down at the Powderham, is it, where they’ve got more tongue than brain?’ said the landlady. ‘If you think silly gossip’s worth an extra ten p on your pint, maybe you should drink there more often.’

      She spoke with a mock menace that wasn’t altogether mock.

      The old man was unfazed.

      ‘I’ll take it under advisement, Mrs Appledore,’ he said. ‘Though we shouldn’t forget that the Powderham also offers Thai cuisine and live entertainment, not large incentives to a poor old pensioner, but strong attractions perhaps for a swinging young tourist. None of my business, you say. Quite right. Good day to you both.’

      He saluted them with an old peaked cap which matched his waistcoat, set it precisely on his head and went out.

      ‘Pay him no heed, Miss Flood,’ said the landlady. ‘Ill’s nowt to do with sick or nasty. It comes from St Ylf’s, our church, and thwaite’s an old Viking word for a bit of land that’s been cleared.’

      ‘So how come the old boy bad-mouths his own village?’

      ‘Old Noddy Melton’s not local,’ said Mrs Appledore, as if this explained everything. ‘He retired here a few years back to follow his hobby, which is getting up people’s noses. Poor old pensioner indeed! What he gets now is more than most ordinary folk take home while they’re still working. And you need plenty to pay the Powderham’s fancy prices, believe me!’

      Sam had noticed the Powderham Arms Hotel as she turned into Skaddale. In fact, not knowing what Illthwaite might offer by way of accommodation, she’d tried to get a room there but found it was booked up. The Stranger House on the other hand, despite its unfancy prices, had been able to give her a choice of its two guest rooms, though not before she and her passport had been subjected to the same kind of scrutiny she’d got from Heathrow Immigration who had broken open five of her Cherry Ripes before being persuaded they weren’t stuffed with crack.

      She must have passed some kind of test because Mrs Appledore had become quite voluble as she led the way upstairs. Wayfarers had been stopping here at the Stranger for more than five hundred years, she’d proclaimed proudly. Its curious name derived from the fact that it had once been the Stranger House of Illthwaite Priory, meaning the building where travellers could enjoy the monks’ hospitality for a night or two.

      ‘That’s fascinating,’ said Sam without conviction as she inspected the bedroom. For once she was glad she wasn’t any bigger. Even at her height, if she’d been wearing her Saturday-night heels, the central low black beam would have been a real danger.

      ‘It’s a bit spooky, though,’ she went on, looking out at the mist-shrouded landscape through the one small window.

      ‘Well, it would be, seeing that we’ve got our own spook,’ said the landlady. ‘But nowt to be afraid of, just this dark fellow, likely an old monk, wandering around still. You’ll only ever catch a glimpse of him passing through a slightly open door and you can never catch up with him no matter how fast you move. Go after him, and there he’ll be, passing through another door.’

      ‘What if you follow him into a room like this, with only one door?’

      ‘They say once you start following the Dark Man, there’s always another door, no matter how long you keep chasing.’

      ‘Bit like Hilbert’s Hotel then,’ said Sam, trying to lighten things.

      ‘Don’t know it, dear. In Windermere, is it?’

      ‘No,’ said Sam. ‘It’s a made-up place in maths that has an infinity of rooms.’

      ‘Doing the laundry must be a real pain,’ observed Mrs Appledore. ‘I’m glad I’ve only got the two to show you. Unless we come across the Dark Man, that is.’

      She spoke so lugubriously that Sam couldn’t help shivering. The pub’s low ceilings, shadowy corners, narrow windows and general air of not having been tarted up in living, or dead, memory didn’t make the prospect of such ghostly company appealing. What am I doing here anyway? she asked herself. Illthwaite would probably turn out to be a pointless diversion, any chance of real fact lay in Newcastle upon Tyne, some hundred miles further on. Here all she was doing was chasing one phantom at the risk of sharing a room with another.

      Then Mrs Appledore, a most unspooky lady in her late fifties, with rosy cheeks, broad bosom and matching smile, let out a peal of uninhibited laughter and said, ‘Don’t worry, miss. I’ve never laid eyes on the bugger and I’ve lived here most of my life. Bathroom’s across the corridor. Come down to the bar when you’ve cleaned up and I’ll make you a sandwich. Or would you like something hot?’

      The assumption that she was staying couched in such a friendly way was irresistible. Suddenly the room seemed less constricting. Also she’d been driving through steady drizzle since not long after dawn, and the thought of setting out once more had little appeal.

      ‘A sandwich will be fine,’ she said.

      Ten minutes later she’d descended to the bar to find herself confronted by something resembling a small cob loaf from which slices of ham dangled like the skirts of a hovercraft.

      Mrs Appledore had pushed a half-pint of beer towards her, saying, ‘First on the house, to welcome you to Illthwaite.’

      Which had provoked her question about the origins of the name and the old leprechaun’s disconcerting interruption.

      ‘Anyway, don’t let old Noddy put you off,’ the landlady concluded. ‘He’s been living by himself too long and that sends you dotty. I should know. Woman on her own running a pub these days, I must be crazy!’

      ‘You’re saying he’s off his scone?’

      ‘If that means daft but not daft enough to lock up, yes,’ said Mrs Appledore cheerfully. ‘So what are you going to do with yourself while you’re here?’

      Sam bit into her sandwich and nearly went into toxic shock when her tongue discovered that internally the ham had been coated with the kind of mustard you could strip paint with. She grabbed for the beer and took a long cooling pull, using the pause to consider her reply.

      Pa’s advice on communication was, ‘Tell enough to get told what you want to know.’

      ‘I’ll see the sights, I guess,’ she said. ‘What do most visitors do?’

      ‘Most come to go walking on the fells. That’s what we call our hills,’ said Mrs Appledore. ‘As for sightseeing, there’s not a lot to look at except St Ylf’s, and the Wolf-Head Cross in the church-yard.’

      ‘Yeah?’ said Sam, carefully chewing at the ham’s mustard-free skirting. ‘The church would be the place where they keep the parish records, right?’

      ‘I suppose so,’ said Mrs Appledore. ‘You interested in that sort of thing?’

      ‘Could be. I think my gran might come from this part of the world,’ said Sam.

      She looked for polite interest and got a blank.

      ‘Is that right? And what would her name have been?’

      ‘Flood, same as mine. Are there any Floods round here?’

      ‘Only in a wet winter when the Skad overflows down the valley. Got in the cellars at the Powderham three years back,’ said Mrs Appledore not without satisfaction. ‘But there’s definitely no local family called Flood. So when did

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