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use it, many do not even take it out of the plastic; instead, it ends up in landfills, might get recycled, or may be thrown at random phone company trucks that drop them off. Sadly, we don't see the books going opt-in, because like most things in the print industry, advertisers are charged based on bloated circulation numbers. And we estimate the number of people who would actually ask for it is 14, give or take 12.21

      ■ Price/competition sensitivity. The lower down on the hierarchy of buying you are, the more you are up against bargain shoppers and competition. The thing that we've heard the most from former advertisers was that even when they got calls from their ad, it was usually people looking for the lowest price. This is because you have not built any clout or trust with the potential customers, and you instantly make yourself a commodity. Or even worse, people call who are trying to sell you something, because what better way to sell to somebody who advertises in the Yellow Pages than with a cold-call.22 It also becomes a competition of who can have the most “AAAAAAs” in their legal name just to rank as first in their section, or sales reps telling you that you need to buy a bigger ad than your competitor who is right beside you. It fascinates us that businesses pay good money to be listed next to all their local competition.

      ■ Lack of updates. Because ads come out from a provider once a year, as soon as your ad is printed, it becomes stale. No testing on which ad converted to leads is better unless you plan on doing it on a year-to-year basis. That would mean to do a proper test using three different ads it would take you years to get any comparable data. It's like walking from Los Angeles to New York to see how your product is doing.

      ■ A dying market, literally. Through our totally nonscientific opinion, we are going to guess that the amount of people who use a phone book to look for a service provider goes up with the age demographic. Even senior citizens are ditching them to go online, however. According to PEW Internet and American Life Project, 45 percent of senior citizens over the age of 70 are online, and even 20 percent of those over 76 are surfing the interweb tubes. The average life expectancy is around 80, so we're not sure for whom you are aiming. Those over 80? Go get ’em! Just make sure you buy the big ads with the large fonts.

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      1

      *Cough* cold-calling *cough*

      2

      Scott's @UnMarketing, just FYI for a place to point your insults.

      3

      For those reading this in 2020, newspapers were things that used to be delivered door-to-door by kids initially, then by creepy dudes in vans at 4 a.m. They were pages of ads with a sprinkle of articles. We know, weird, eh?

1

*Cough* cold-calling *cough*

2

Scott's @UnMarketing, just FYI for a place to point your insults.

3

For those reading this in 2020, newspapers were things that used to be delivered door-to-door by kids initially, then by creepy dudes in vans at 4 a.m. They were pages of ads with a sprinkle of articles. We know, weird, eh?

4

We think that phrase was made up by an advertising sales rep. Brilliant.

5

Sure, one is a picture book. But still.

6

We just jinxed it. Someone is going to write this. We picture a guy with greasy hair who runs multiple free seminars in hotels about how to get rich quick in a time of recession. We go to those events just for the free muffins.

7

Scalable is the ability to do something in a large amount. An hour of your time isn't scalable, but an e-book is.

8

Okay, that would be hilarious.

9

It's like having an administrative assistant, but they work from home. We've used them for years. And suggest you do, too.

10

“Represent” does not have to mean direct client contact. If the person you hire works on research, formatting, or e-mail filtering, it can still affect your brand.

11

This is the great bullet-point cop-out. When someone writes to us and says, “You forgot this one!” we can just reply, “Yeah, that's what we meant by many, many more!”

12

This is a new chapter to the second edition of UnMarketing. If only we'd known Petrus back in 2009, we might have lived in a nicer house.

13

Most business owners who say things like they want to “think outside the box” actually want to do the same things in their box, with better results. It takes courage to do something outside the norm. Most owners like the idea of courage, but few display it in business.

14

They gave him the lunch for free. We think we have to say this is now due to the new FTC, FCC, NAFTA, and Geneva Convention laws.

15

A surefire way to know you're about to be offended is when someone says this. Also true with “Nothing personal” and “Don't take this the wrong way.”

16

We're not that cocky to think they went out of business because they didn't use the idea. Just sayin'.

17

www.unpodcast.com.

18

Nothing of any importance to the world.

19

We assume that the people who didn't sign up don't know that they can or are very, very lonely.

20

We literally had a physical reaction typing that line. Scott may vomit if he types it again. You've been warned.

21

If you actually want to opt out, in Canada go to Delivery.yp.ca. and in the United States YellowPagesGoesGreen.org.

22

Insert maniacal laughing here with an Alanis Morissette “Ironic” soundtrack.