Departmental Ditties and Barrack Room Ballads - Rudyard Kipling

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reason why Rustum Beg,

        Rajah of Kolazai,

        Drinketh the “simpkin” and brandy peg,

        Maketh the money to fly,

        Vexeth a Government, tender and kind,

        Also – but this is a detail – blind.

        RUSTUM BEG of Kolazai – slightly backward native state

        Lusted for a C. S. I., – so began to sanitate.

        Built a Jail and Hospital – nearly built a City drain —

        Till his faithful subjects all thought their Ruler was insane.

        Strange departures made he then – yea, Departments stranger still,

        Half a dozen Englishmen helped the Rajah with a will,

        Talked of noble aims and high, hinted of a future fine

        For the state of Kolazai, on a strictly Western line.

        Rajah Rustum held his peace; lowered octroi dues a half;

        Organized a State Police; purified the Civil Staff;

        Settled cess and tax afresh in a very liberal way;

        Cut temptations of the flesh – also cut the Bukhshi’s pay;

        Roused his Secretariat to a fine Mahratta fury,

        By a Hookum hinting at supervision of dasturi;

        Turned the State of Kolazai very nearly upside-down;

        When the end of May was nigh, waited his achievement crown.

        When the Birthday Honors came,

        Sad to state and sad to see,

        Stood against the Rajah’s name nothing more than C. I. E.!

        Things were lively for a week in the State of Kolazai.

        Even now the people speak of that time regretfully.

        How he disendowed the Jail – stopped at once the City drain;

        Turned to beauty fair and frail – got his senses back again;

        Doubled taxes, cesses, all; cleared away each new-built thana;

        Turned the two-lakh Hospital into a superb Zenana;

        Heaped upon the Bukhshi Sahib wealth and honors manifold;

        Clad himself in Eastern garb – squeezed his people as of old.

        Happy, happy Kolazai!  Never more  will Rustum Beg

        Play to catch the Viceroy’s eye. He prefers the “simpkin” peg.

      THE STORY OF URIAH

        “Now there were two men in one city;

        the one rich and the other poor.”

        Jack Barrett went to Quetta

           Because they told him to.

        He left his wife at Simla

           On three-fourths his monthly screw:

        Jack Barrett died at Quetta

           Ere the next month’s pay he drew.

        Jack Barrett went to Quetta.

           He didn’t understand

        The reason of his transfer

           From the pleasant mountain-land:

        The season was September,

           And it killed him out of hand.

        Jack Barrett went to Quetta,

           And there gave up the ghost,

        Attempting two men’s duty

           In that very healthy post;

        And Mrs. Barrett mourned for him

           Five lively months at most.

        Jack Barrett’s bones at Quetta

           Enjoy profound repose;

        But I shouldn’t be astonished

           If now his spirit knows

        The reason of his transfer

           From the Himalayan snows.

        And, when the Last Great Bugle Call

           Adown the Hurnal throbs,

        When the last grim joke is entered

           In the big black Book of Jobs,

        And Quetta graveyards give again

           Their victims to the air,

        I shouldn’t like to be the man

           Who sent Jack Barrett there.

      THE POST THAT FITTED

      Though tangled and twisted the course of true love

      This ditty explains,

      No tangle’s so tangled it cannot improve

      If the Lover has brains.

        Ere the steamer bore him Eastward, Sleary was engaged to marry

        An attractive girl at Tunbridge, whom he called “my little Carrie.”

        Sleary’s pay was very modest; Sleary was the other way.

        Who can cook a two-plate dinner on eight poor rupees a day?

        Long he pondered o’er the question in his scantly furnished quarters —

        Then proposed to Minnie Boffkin, eldest of Judge Boffkin’s daughters.

        Certainly an impecunious Subaltern was not a catch,

        But the Boffkins knew that Minnie mightn’t make another match.

        So they recognised the business and, to feed and clothe the bride,

        Got him made a Something Something somewhere on the Bombay side.

        Anyhow, the billet carried pay enough for him to marry —

        As the artless Sleary put it: – “Just the thing for me and Carrie.”

        Did he, therefore, jilt Miss Boffkin – impulse of a baser mind?

        No! He started epileptic fits of an appalling kind.

        [Of his modus operandi only this much I could gather: —

        “Pears’s shaving sticks will give you little taste and lots of lather.”]

        Frequently in public places his affliction used to smite

        Sleary with distressing vigour – always in the Boffkins’ sight.

        Ere a week was over Minnie weepingly returned his ring,

        Told him his “unhappy weakness” stopped all thought of marrying.

        Sleary bore the information with a chastened holy joy, —

        Epileptic fits don’t matter in Political employ, —

        Wired three short words to Carrie – took his ticket, packed his kit —

        Bade farewell to Minnie Boffkin in one last, long, lingering fit.

        Four weeks later, Carrie Sleary read – and laughed until she wept —

       

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