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the train require no spur,

      To this trifling obligation

      He will not refer!

      When at Bridge you win his money,

      Do not think it odd or strange

      If he says, "It's very funny,

      But I find I've got no change!

      Do remind me what I owe you,

      When you see me in the street."

      Mr. Fumbler, if I know you,

      We shall never meet!

      Fumbler, so serenely fumbling

      In a pocket with thy thumb,

      Never by good fortune stumbling

      On the necessary sum,

      Cease to make polite pretences,

      Suited to thy niggard ends,

      Of dividing the expenses

      With confiding friends!

      Here, we crown thee, fumbling brother,

      With the fumbler's well-earned wreath,

      Who would'st rob thine aged mother

      Of her artificial teeth!

      We at length are slowly learning

      That some friendships cost too dear.

      "Longest worms must have a turning,"

      And our turn is near!

      Henceforth, when a cab thou takest,

      Thou a lonely way must wend;

      Henceforth, when for food thou achest,

      Thou must dine without a friend.

      Thine excuses thou shalt mumble

      Down some public telephone,

      And if thou perforce must fumble,

      Fumble all alone!

      II

      THE BARITONE

      In many a boudoir nowadays

      The baritone's decolleté throat

      Produces weird unearthly lays,

      Like some dyspeptic goat

      Deprived but lately of her young

      (But not, alas! of either lung).

      His low-necked collar fails to show

      The contours of his manly chest,

      Since that has fallen far below

      His "fancy evening vest."

      Here, too, in picturesque relief,

      Nestles his crimson handkerchief.

      Will no one tell me why he sings

      Such doleful melancholy lays,

      Of withered summers, ruined springs,

      Of happier bygone days,

      And kindred topics, more or less

      Designed to harass or depress?

      That ballad in his bloated hand

      Is of the old familiar blend: —

      A faded flow'r, a maiden, and

      A "brave kiss" at the end!

      (The kind of kiss that, for a bet,

      A man might give a Suffragette.)

(THE BARITONE'S BOUDOIR BALLAD)

      Eyes that looked down into mine,

      With a longing that seemed to say

      Is it too late, dear heart, to wait

      For the dawn of a brighter day?

      Is it too late to laugh at fate?

      See how the teardrops start!

      Can we not weather the tempest together,

      Dear Heart, Dear Heart?

      Lips that I pressed to my own,

      As I gazed at her yielding form, —

      Turned with a groan, and then hastened alone

      Into the teeth of the Storm!

      Long, long ago! Still the winds blow!

      Far have we drifted apart!

      You live with Mother, and I love – another!

      Dear Heart, Dear Heart!

      At times some drinking-song inspires

      Our hero to a vocal burst,

      Until his audience, too, acquires

      The most prodigious thirst.

      And nobody would ever think

      That milk was his peculiar drink!

      What spacious days his song recalls,

      When each monastic brotherhood

      Could brew, within its private walls,

      A vintage just as good

      As that which restaurants purvey

      As "rare old Tawny Port" to-day!

(THE BARITONE'S DRINKING SONG)

      The Abbot he sits, as his rank befits,

      With a bottle at either knee,

      And he smacks his lips as he slowly sips

      At his beaker of Malvoisie.

      Sing Ho! Ho! Ho!

      Let the red wine flow!

      Let the sack flow fast and free!

      His heart it grows merry on negus and sherry,

      And never a care has he!

      Ho! Ho!

      (Ora pro nobis!)

      Sing Ho! for the Malvoisie!

      In cellar cool, on a highbacked stool,

      The Friar he sits him down,

      With the door tight shut, and an unbroached butt

      Where the ale flows clear and brown.

      Sing Ha! Sing Hi!

      Till the cask runs dry,

      His spirits shall never fail!

      For no one is dryer than Francis the Friar,

      When getting "outside the pail!"

      Ho! Ho!

      (Benedicimus!)

      Sing Ho! for the nutbrown ale!

      The Monk sits there, in his cell so bare,

      And he lowers his tonsured head,

      As he lifts the lid of the tankard hid

      'Neath the straw of his trestle bed.

      Sing Ho! Sink Hey!

      From the break of day

      Till the vesper-bell rings clear,

      Of grave he makes merry and hastens to bury

      His cares in the butt'rybier!

      Ho! Ho!

      (Pax Omnibuscum!)

      Sing Ho! for the buttery beer!

      Oh, find me some secure retreat,

      Some Paradise for stricken

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