Give me a sign - Виктория Олеговна Рогозина

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I got used to being inconspicuous and unnecessary. There was no justice in life. At the age of seven, Lilia was returning with her parents by car from the village, where they stayed with her grandmother for a whole summer. A terrible accident divided life into before and after. The car jumped into the oncoming lane, crushing the “Ten”. The girl came to her senses only in the hospital, where she almost immediately found out that it was only by a miracle that she survived… only she. Relatives fought for the inheritance with pleasure, not remembering the child, in whom, before that incident, they did not have a soul. But as soon as the question of guardianship arose, no one wanted to take responsibility. Only the class teacher helped to solve some problems. Having moved to a hostel, the girl rented an apartment, not wanting to return to where she was once happy. With the money from the state, which was paid after the loss of a breadwinner, she paid for art school and her existence, and put aside for renting an apartment, hoping one day to get to Moscow and conquer it. Living in a small town was unbearable, happy memories of the past were constantly returning, which were not destined to come true, and the future was even worse than the present, and there was nothing to cling to. Sitting in it is like living on old, filthy, arsenic-laden toilet paper. In addition, there were no people around with whom one could spend the evening. Each new day brought pain. But one day everything changed, as if something inside burned out, leaving only ashes. Inner emptiness filled consciousness. Mandatory trips to the school psychologist were a little annoying, and advice to see a psychiatrist was amused. Can he get his parents back? Will it fix the inevitable?

      Only drawing distracted me for some time, allowing me to plunge into the world of illusions and magic. In such situations, despair in the soul was replaced by real delight. Not much, but still. But, alas, this was only the outer side of the coin – the objects themselves did not answer questions. More precisely, there was no practical need for this. Yes, nice fun. Sometimes it was interesting to look at the fabric or carpet, if they were even remotely similar to reality. All these petty questions did not make sense – before us was only one facet of many realities, and it meant nothing.

      The sole of the sneakers treacherously slipped. Clenching her teeth, Lilia leaned her back against the wall even more, helping herself with her hands and again took a step, approaching the exit. When her hand finally touched the edge of the concrete structure, the girl caught her breath for a brief moment and pushed herself up. Gently rolling to the side, Lily fell to the ground and tiredly regained her breath. After a couple of moments, the girl looked around. Clear field, no buildings, no hint of civilization. Convinced that her life was no longer in danger, she looked into the well, where Vlad was waiting for her sign.

      – Can you try to throw me backpacks? I’ll let you down the rope – she offered.

      The classmate nodded and tossed her things one by one. Finding a small pin of protruding reinforcement, the girl deftly tied the rope and, making sure of its reliability, threw the other end into the well. As Vlad said, the rope turned out to be short and did not reach the bottom of two meters. But even from a height, now the distance felt differently, much more than it was originally supposed. Six meters clearly did not correspond to reality, here it was about fifteen, maybe more. I got dizzy.

      Vlad crawled deftly, as if doing a similar trick, if not every day, then every other day for sure. Having reached the rope, the guy accelerated and after a minute he got out, standing next to the girl.

      – Six meters, smart guy? she quipped, fighting the fear that had only now formed in her, chilling her soul.

      “If I had given a different number, you wouldn’t have climbed,” he assured, not denying his own deceit. Winding the rope, Vlad looked around.

      – Well, where are we? – she only now noticed exactly the same chip on Vlad’s neck. The black matte surface of the round “coin” looked intimidating.

      It was rapidly getting dark, and occasionally the crows flying across the sky were frightening to the point of horror.

      – Let’s go there, – Vlad nodded at the road leading into the distance. – Most likely, if there is a road, there are some settlements.

      – Doesn’t that sign bother you? The girl pointed her fingers at the sign of radiation danger.

      – They’re everywhere. Or do you have other suggestions? He turned to his classmate in annoyance.

      “There are no options,” she admitted.

      Throwing backpacks on their shoulders, they walked forward towards the unknown with a friendly step. Vlad looked confident, boldly looking ahead. But was it really so?

      – Another approach.

      “I can’t,” the guy breathed out tiredly, not feeling his hands.

      – There is no word “I can’t”, there is “I don’t want” and “I won’t”. Another approach.

      – Don’t want.

      “What are you doing like a girl,” my father shouted sternly. If you want to be a leader, you have to work. Another approach.

      Push-ups were hard, the muscles were clogged up for a long time and did not hold the weight of the body, which is why the body tried to bend, but the loud commands of the father were forced to follow the execution technique. Sweat dripped down his face, settling in large drops on the rubberized mat, and his mouth, on the contrary, was dry. I wanted to drink, I wanted to fall and lie motionless. But you can’t! There is a goal – there are no obstacles!

      After the gym, they, as always, went to the shower and briskly returned home, where they were waiting for a healthy protein dinner and a glass of kefir before bed. It remains to solve two problems in algebra and learn a paragraph in history.

      Relatives had long been sleeping, and Vlad was cramming the hateful lessons that did not want to be stored in memory, flying out of his head immediately after reading. Gotta be strong! He was always told and convinced that he could bend the world for himself, create his own destiny, history. No weakness!

      He went to bed at about one in the morning, exhausted. But early in the morning, like a bayonet, you need to get up. Make the bed, a few push-ups, press, then water procedures and the main charge. After breakfast and walking to school, listening to an audiobook about motivation on the way. The whole day is scheduled by the minute, clearly and inexorably. Vlad is used to living according to a schedule and for some time he thought that everyone lived like that. Rigid discipline prevented from thinking sensibly and making independent decisions, and eternal control destroyed personal boundaries. It is useless to argue, and only going to the competition, the boy could breathe a breath of freedom. He was forbidden to take places below the first, because his parents claimed that he must be a winner and nothing else.

      Friends admired his achievements, but Vlad himself did not experience the joy of numerous awards. Once he became interested in playing chess and for the first time asked his parents to send him to a special club to learn this “art”. Deep down, the guy hoped that there would be less training, but no. Chess has also been added to the regular schedule. Over time, he noticed that he wanted nothing more in life, and made decisions only when he was in the chess club. Everything else is on schedule – strictly and inexorably.

      Lily tossed her head. She sniffed and quietly asked:

      – Don’t you think it smells like burning?!

      “There’s smoke rising over there,” Vlad waved his hand.

      Do you think there are people there?

      He shrugged.

      – I do not know.

      They were silent for a while. The road is overgrown. Passing the field, they entered the forest belt. A gloomy impression was created around and a suspiciously dead silence pressed, making the heart skip a beat with every step that was surprisingly light and confident – it was like teenagers trying to disguise their fear of something and could not get rid of obsession.

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