Your children are not your children - Павел Эрзяйкин

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time in their lives, and the relation is the same as to the first observation of the falling snow. If the mother becomes confused, and the father shouts at children, they thus create a certain attitude to this event. If it’s forbidden, the interest appears, the desire to understand, watch and try comes up. That’s why I say, that animals are better than dead toys. You can’t hide animals’ genitals – they exist. Children see that dogs have them, cats have them, and they have them. So, children don’t have questions to the world, they are logical and consistent. However, when children take off doll’s pants and there is nothing there – it provokes interest. "Why do I have it, but the doll doesn’t?" – children ask parents such questions and parents become confused, shout and punish raising the degree of interest.

      Should I punish the child in public? Or should I postpone it until we come back home, but the child may forget everything by that time. So isn’t it more effective to point to the mistake immediately?

      We dose our own reactions – put forward or hide – depending on the attitude of other people. But where is your child here? If you want to stop some action your child is doing, just do it. Restraining this desire, you’ll feel weak, dependent and unable of immediate action. In this case, you’ll definitely fly off the handle and shout at your kid if not in the supermarket, then at home, and this will be inadequate feedback.

      Punishment for the past action is revenge. It’s always inadequate. If you want to stop something – stop it at once, if you can’t – accept this fact and leave everything as it is. Somebody else will stop – the shop security or the salesperson. If you can’t leave the situation as it is, because you have to act – then act. For example, you stand on the pavement waiting for the green light, but your child rushes to cross the street on the red one. Just take the child by the jacket and hold. The most important thing is not to feel uneasy, if the child is screaming and breaking loose from your grip, and the passers-by are looking back on you. When I realize that this is the best thing to do now, I don’t have to be ashamed or justify myself in the eyes of other people.

      How do toys influence the formation of the child’s personality? Should we buy plastic knives, handcuffs and cudgels for the boy?

      If your child asks for knives and cudgels, then he wants to be like some film character. Treat it as a symptom – the child starts losing himself, doesn’t understand who he is. If the child wants to be like Schwarzenegger, then little attention is paid to the personality of the child in the child-parent relations. Watch your kid. If you like somebody shown on TV and the next day your child starts to imitate this character, then he isn’t sure if the parents love him. Then the child tries to match some stereotypes. If mum calls Schwarzenegger a real man, the son wants to be like Arnold at once. Give your child love and attention, so that he wouldn’t doubt if parents love him, if they are proud of him, then your child won’t need to copy anybody.

      I think it’s much better when the child doesn’t imitate life with the help of plastic knives and hammers, but cuts something with a real knife and hammers real nails. I had a real scythe as a child – the first time I cut fingers with it, but nobody paid attention, nobody released me from responsibility and, therefore, I learned to be more attentive with sharp things.

      Should we buy adult cosmetics imitation for girls?

      It’s well-known that the best client is the one who became a client in the childhood. That’s why restaurants have "children’s days" – they are both parent care and work for the future forming children’s demand and taste. Thus, restaurants bring up a future clients, people eating out when they grow up.

      We live in a society where consumption plays the main role, and it’s important for the society to have people consuming nonstop. Children’s cosmetics is said to be harmless and even useful – it is conservation, multiplication and maintenance of the tradition to make up and "tune" the face. There is no simple answer to this question – should you buy or should not, allowed or forbidden. Think, why do you need the role of a "mother" and a "father"? How do you see your child in the future? When is this all not in vain? When will you be proud of your child? How important are the games she plays for the success of your project? If your daughter does make up to find her style, to look how it matches different clothes – this is one thing. If she does make up to get some attention, to be noticed by people, if this is the only way for her to feel beautiful – this is another thing. My daughter likes to dress up, draw, invent images, stage performances, do make up to my wife and her friends, besides she dreams of having a beauty parlor for animals. Any games of your child can build up future professional skills.

      They sell "Little chemist," "Little physicist" kits, etc. What’s your opinion of such games?

      The first question: who do I want my children to be? Independent or dependent, responsible or stupid, consumer or people with merit? When I have answers, it’s easier for me to decide what will be useful and harmful for my children. I will choose toys not because "doctors recommend" or "people usually buy," but because my children need something and it will be better for them. In this case I will take into account the children’s opinion, not mine. If children are interested in such kits, they gradually may fall in love with this activity to such a degree that it will become their profession.

      What should I do if my son brought a stray cat or dog home? Can I make him bring the animal back to the street or should I indulge him supporting his care about weaker creatures?

      The first reaction of the majority of mothers when they see such a nice couple – the son and a puppy, is to feel pity for themselves. You haven’t cleaned after this puppy yet, but you already start suffering ahead – you’re so busy, you’re so tired, you can’t cope with the duties you have, and there is that puppy, and you have to do everything yourself, only yourself. Before taking your decision, sort out the problems; "have an eye for the ground" as military people say. Don’t start lying like "this is somebody else’s puppy, somebody might have come to pick it up, somebody is crying and looking for it; bring it back." Look at the child: how does he speak about the puppy? Has anything new appeared in him after meeting the animal? Why is it so important for him? Upbringing doesn’t start with punishment and prohibition, but with revision and clarity. So far, all animals are toys for your child. He only knows that dogs are good, kind and soft, and he has no idea that they urinate, bite and can crunch his favorite books and toys.

      Start by asking, "Where will it live? How will you feed it? How will you walk it out? Do you know that the puppy is alive, so you will have to clean after it? Why is it important to you? What do you feel? What will you do when the puppy grows up?" By the answers you will understand what is happening with the child. Questions teach to plan, to think about the future and to see the perspectives. Answers are certain promises, which the person gives and after some time of getting the experience, it will be possible to see if he keeps his promises or not. Even if you feel that the child is now lying a bit and making up, let him do it. Let him be inspired and believe that he will really be able to fulfill all his promises. Sometimes by their questions parents wait for the obvious answers, "Will you clean?" – "Yes." – "Will you be a good boy?" – "Yes." There is no curiosity and sincerity in such questions. You make your child take responsibilities he has no idea about. Prior to taking a promise to "clean after a puppy," wonder if your child knows what it’s like. Because if he is not ready to face that the puppy will crunch his favorite toy, the child can take a hammer and beat the animal to death. We think that children are cruel, but they just don’t see the difference between a porolon animal and a real one.

      If a child misbehaves in the supermarket, but I absolutely don’t want to fall down on the floor next to him, is there any other way to get feedback?

      If you don’t want to fall down, providing the feedback, leave your child alone – let him play a fool, let him broil with anger. Accept that you can only influence through a contact. If there is no contact – there is no influence (see the answer to the second question).

      Together with my husband we don’t let our 10-year-old daughter watch action movies on TV, criminal news etc. For a certain age we don’t want her to know how much violence and cruelty

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