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Windows of Opportunities. Heinrich Psscht
Читать онлайн.Название Windows of Opportunities
Год выпуска 0
isbn 9785005334503
Автор произведения Heinrich Psscht
Жанр Юмор: прочее
Издательство Издательские решения
– This is really very funny, sir!
– You bet! We thought so, too, but it’s not as funny as that, Hans, and you will know why one day!
– Then I had been serving for several years on a large ship as an assistant captain, and then they gave me some kind of jalopy, a pathetic ruin with a robot navigator. What a bore he was! But gradually we’ve got used to each other! Sometimes he even sends me his greetings! He’s quite old for a robot, dodges mandatory upgrades… What’s flashing on your screen?
– Some small objects on the course, like asteroids, sir!
– Have we entered the field of gravity of some star?
– There is no star around on the indicator, sir!
– Instant acceleration, Hans!
– Why, sir?
– Don’t ask idiotic questions, do it! I’ll chart a course
and you take the console, you will be the captain for a few minutes! Just don’t press anything in a hurry!
– Yes, sir, I’ll be careful!
– Seems we have slipped through!
– What was that, sir?
– We flew straight to the event horizon of the black hole. A little more, we would not be able to escape and would be smeared over this very horizon…
– I can’t understand how it happened sir…
– Mark in the log: unidentifiable black hole in the square, put the coordinates, let them figure it out! Be careful, Hans! Do you know what is the main difference between a navigator and a captain?
– I daren’t know sir
– The captain can always say to the navigator: “Be careful!”
Radish
– Hans, what’s that on your food tray?
– Common radish, sir!
– Real radish? Where did you get it? We are in another galaxy!
– It grew up in the greenhouse, in the laboratory, sir!
– You’re out of your mind, Hans! There can be any sort of viruses there!
– Not in a separate container, sir! I put it away from the rest. It is absolutely lovely!
– Have you tried it?
– Not yet, but the analyzer gives a complete match to the standard of the species Raphanus sativus.
– Be careful with it, there are at least three days of flight to the nearest window of opportunity. What should I do with you if something goes wrong?
– I took all the precautions, sir!
– I can imagine! So, how does it taste?
– In my opinion, it is not any different from porridge number one, only more water. Crunchy… It’s funny, sir.
– No wonder, it’s tasteless, it’s from the greenhouse. There is nothing in it but water.
– I added organic fertilizers, sir.
– More reason for me to worry, Hans! Don’t eat more than one!
– I probably won’t, sir. Porridge with flavor modifiers is much better in my opinion.
– Let me spread it with the taste of pamplemousse. Have you ever seen a pamplemousse?
– Is it like a cow with big horns, sir?
– Don’t confuse moose and pamplemousse, Hans. Pamplemousse is fruit, in my opinion.
– And how do you like it with that taste?
– Only the devil knows what it is or may be!
– I tend to agree with you, sir? Do we have a moose-flavored additive?
– Follow the course, Hans!
– Yes, sir!
Mosquitoes
– Sir, we’ve got mosquitoes!
– Mosquitoes, onboard?
– Yes sir. I seem to have seen one!
– You seemed or you saw?
– I saw, sir! And heard, sir, it was buzzing right above my ear…
– This may be very serious, Hans, who knows what shit they can transmit! We don’t need to drop sick with some cosmic fever in another galaxy!
– This may be very serious, sir!
– I said it first, Hans! Where do you think they came from?
– Cargo bay or the Russians, sir!
– Where do we get the Russians from?
– Mosquitoes, sir, from Siberia!
– This is very serious, Hans, they must be hungry!
– Hungry, sir, and opposed to us, I know, these Russians…
– Leave agitation aside, give me the temperature and humidity in the compartments!
– On the screen, sir!
– I don’t like the parameters there, Hans, but the mosquitos can be anywhere now: they fly, you know!
– That’s for sure, sir, they fly and buzz all night, they don’t let you sleep, these Russian snarling and squeaking mosquitoes, they are clearly plotting something!
– Did a mosquito bite you?
– Not yet, sir, I resisted their evil propaganda!
– Give a good blow through all compartments, lower the temperature – they should be sucked into the filter! We’ll have to chill out, Hans! Send a message to the center, tell them we have got unprecedented complications, details after the elimination of the incident!
– Aren’t we making an elephant out of a fly, sir?
– Do we have flies as well?
– Only in the laboratory, not too many!
– Count them all, Hans! They may be related to the mosquitoes!
– Sir!
– Yes, Hans!
– We have a toad in the laboratory!
– I don’t understand how it may help!
– But they are antagonists, sir, the toads eat them!
– Mosquitoes or flies?
– Both species, sir!
– Hans, go negotiate with the toad! What I’m saying… Incite it to catch mosquitoes for us!
– I’ll fetch it right now, sir!
…
– What have you got now?
– It thinks, sir!
– “It thinks”! Can your toad think?
– Yes sir!
– And how do you know?
– It sits silently and pouts!
– Am I dreaming?
– No, sir, it’s an ex…
– Tell your toad again, more persistently!
…
– It refuses most strongly, sir! It also insists that it be mentioned in all conversations as “she”.
– Why?
– She