Play It Again, Sahm - Meredith Efken

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last night. It wasn’t until after we were done eating that we first noticed the problem. I thought Tristan had forgotten to take out the garbage like I asked him to.

      I kept jerking my head toward the kitchen, trying to signal to him that we needed to talk privately. The blockhead. (Whom I love with all my heart, but still…) Totally oblivious.

      Carla, his work colleague (who happens to have just been made a partner in his firm—somebody he needs to impress), started sniffing the air. I pretended I wasn’t watching. Then she checked the bottoms of her shoes.

      DUH—it wasn’t that kind of smell. Anybody ought to have known that!

      Then she leaned over, like she was getting something out of her purse, but I could tell she was smelling under her arms.

      Tacky. But it was making me nervous. Something reeked. In my house! And one of the partners of Tristan’s company was definitely noticing it!

      I excused myself to the kitchen and checked the garbage can. It had a few scraps in it from fixing dinner, but nothing that smelled. In fact, the kitchen didn’t smell as bad as the family room.

      By the time the couple left, both of them looked like they were going to pass out soon from trying not to take any deep breaths. They gave us these tiny frozen smiles and scuttled out of the house. I’m almost certain I heard them both gasping for air before we had barely shut the door.

      I am utterly mortified! I spent all day trying to track this down and no such luck!

      Tristan apparently has a nearly nonexistent sense of smell. He thinks I’m imagining the whole thing—including Carla’s little sniff-check.

      Next on my list—bathing all the kids.

      Z

From: P. Lorimer <[email protected]>
To: SAHM I Am <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] This stinks

      A quote, in your honor, Zelia:

      “Something is rotten in the state of Maryland.”—slight paraphrase from Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 4

      Seriously, I wouldn’t be overly concerned. I doubt it’s as bad as you think it is. And it might be something outside—like a sewer pipe or your neighbors’ trash cans or something.

      Phyllis

From: Zelia Muzuwa <[email protected]>
To: P. Lorimer <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] This stinks

      Ack! My own Shakespeare predilection thrown back at me. A perfect example of this:

      “Hoist with his own petard.” (Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 4) You want to have a Shakespeare war, girlfriend? I’ll win.

      And I’m not overreacting. I know a bad stink when I smell it! And last night after dinner, definitely “there was the rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril.” (The Merry Wives of Windsor, Act 3, Scene 5)

      TOP THAT!

      Z

From: Brenna L <[email protected]>
To: SAHM I Am <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] This stinks

      Oh no! Everyone take cover! The Great Shakespeare Quote War has broken out again! Run for your lives!!! Or as the Bard would say: “Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!”

      Brenna

From: Zelia Muzuwa <[email protected]>
To: SAHM I Am <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] This stinks

      Ah, Brenna… I salute you, Mistress Lindburg. You are truly magnificent. Here’s one for you:

      “Methinks a woman of this valiant spirit

      Should, if a coward heard her speak these words,

      Infuse his breast with magnanimity

      And make him, naked, foil a man at arms.”

      (King Henry VI Part iii, Act 5, Scene 4)

      Z

From: Hannah Farrell <[email protected]>
To: SAHM I Am <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] This stinks

      That’s NOT a real Shakespeare quote! Shakespeare would never have written about naked…people in his plays! That’s not appropriate to joke about! I studied Romeo and Juliet last year in Senior English, and there wasn’t ONE mention of anything remotely risqué!!!

      Hannah

From: P. Lorimer <[email protected]>
To: SAHM I Am <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] This stinks

      Hannah, out of curiosity…what school did you attend?

From: Hannah Farrell <[email protected]>
To: SAHM I Am <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] This stinks

      South Carolina Crusading Lambs of God Christian High School. Affectionately knows as SCCLOG. Their academic quality is unsurpassable. I tied for valedictorian with my best friend, Krissy.

      Hannah

From: P. Lorimer <[email protected]>
To: SAHM I Am <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] This stinks

      Ah. Congratulations. And you studied the entire play of Romeo and Juliet? The original, unabridged version?

From: Hannah Farrell <[email protected]>
To: SAHM I Am <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] This stinks

      Yes, the WHOLE thing! Like I said, SCCLOG is a very advanced school academically. Three of my graduating class even went to college! I was going to go to college, but I met Bradley instead.

      Hannah

From: P. Lorimer <[email protected]>
To: SAHM I Am <[email protected]>
Subject:

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