LITMIR.BIZ

      By the time the final class comes around and she tells me she’s going to be kept behind after school as well, I’m fairly convinced that Nat is specifically getting detentions just to avoid me. I’m torn between being devastated and simultaneously impressed by her extremely cunning strategic bad behaviour.

      Toby has been making the most of Nat’s absence to follow me around like a small kitten follows a ball of wool; he even pats me now and then to check that I’m still there.

      “Harriet,” he whispers during sixth period English literature. “Isn’t it lovely to spend so much time together?”

      I make a noncommittal grunt and doodle another eye on my textbook.

      “I really feel that I know you better now,” Toby continues enthusiastically. “For instance, I know that at ten o’clock exactly you tend to go straight to the toilet, and when you come back out, your hair is much neater so I can only assume that you redo your ponytail in front of the bathroom mirror.”

      I continue doodling.

      “And,” he whispers in excitement, “at five past twelve you go back to the bathroom and when you come out at twelve fifteen, your eyes are sort of pink and gummy around the edges. Which I can only conclude means that you go in there to cry in private.”

      I glare at him. “I don’t do that every lunchtime, Toby.”

      “No?” He gets out a little notepad and opens it to a page that appears to have a list on it. He draws a line through the corresponding entry.

      I can sense that I’m about to lose my temper. I’ve hurt Nat, it’s been a rubbish day and I suspect that Toby is about to bear the brunt of it.

      “And,” he continues, “at approximately three pm you go to the bathroom again, but this time you’re in there for the entire break so I believe you might be avoiding me. Either that or you’re… you know. Engaged in intricate bowel activities.”

      I can feel my cheeks suddenly flame. He was right the first time, but I’m not happy with that second insinuation. I don’t like talking about bowel activities, regardless of intricacy.

      “Could you just leave me alone perhaps?” I whisper and I can feel my voice getting louder with every word. “I mean, is there any chance that you could – I don’t know – find someone else to stalk?”

      Toby looks astonished. “Who?” he says, looking around. “There’s nobody else worth stalking, Harriet. You’re the only one.”

      I grit my teeth. “Then don’t stalk anyone.” My voice is getting more abrasive. “How about you just don’t stalk anyone, Toby? Otherwise known as LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.”

      And then there’s a silence. Toby looks at me in astonishment. A low snigger ripples round the classroom.

      When I look up, Mr Bott has paused writing on the board and is staring at me with an expression that a geek like me doesn’t see very often. One of anger, frustration and a fervent desire to punish.

      It looks like I might be seeing Nat after school today after all.

       look at Mr Bott with round eyes.

      “Miss Manners,” he says icily from the front of the classroom, and I suddenly remember that we’re supposed to be reading act four, scene five of Hamlet. “Do you have a thought you would like to share with us?”

      “No,” I say immediately and stare at my desk.

      “I find that very hard to believe,” Mr Bott says in an even sharper voice. “You always have a thought to share with us. In fact, it’s usually difficult to stop you from sharing it with us.”

      “I’ve no thoughts,” I tell him in a meek voice.

      “Good to know. That’s what I like to see: a student approaching her exams with nothing at all in her head.”

      Alexa looks up from where she’s been texting somebody under the desk and snorts with laughter.

      Oh, yes, Alexa’s in the top sets too. Unfortunately, she’s both mean and smart. I have at least another three years left of her to look forward to, and then she’ll probably follow me to university. Although, given the amount of time she spends on her phone in our classes, I can only assume she’s really, really good at last-minute cramming.

      “Alexa?” Mr Bott snaps, whipping round to face her. “Is something funny?”

      Alexa looks over to me and raises an eyebrow. “No,” she says in a meaningful voice. “Quite the opposite. Mostly sad, I’d say.”

      Nice. She’s managed to insult me in front of the teacher and he hasn’t even noticed.

      “Well,” Mr Bott says, but he doesn’t look happy either. In fairness, he rarely looks happy. I don’t think he teaches because it fills him with a deep inner light. “How about Little Miss Shouter and Little Miss Giggles both come up to the front here and give us your perspectives on a little question I have.”

      Alexa’s face goes suddenly pale, and as we walk to the front, she’s throwing metaphorical daggers in my direction.

      “Now,” Mr Bott says, “turn and face the whole class, please.”

      My cheeks are getting hotter and hotter. I turn so that my body is in the right direction, but try to focus on the floor.

      “So, Alexa Roberts and Harriet Manners.” Mr Bott sits down and gestures gracefully to the board. “As you are both clearly fascinated by this text, would you like to explain the significance of Laertes in Hamlet?” He looks at Alexa. “Please go first, Miss Roberts.”

      “Well…” Alexa says hesitantly. “He’s Ophelia’s brother, right?”

      “I didn’t ask for his family tree, Alexa. I want to know his literary significance as a fictional character.”

      Alexa looks uncomfortable. “Well then, his literary significance is in being Ophelia’s brother, isn’t it? So she has someone to hang out with.”

      “How very kind of Shakespeare to give fictional Ophelia a fictional playmate so that she doesn’t get fictionally bored. Your analytical skills astound me, Alexa. Perhaps I should send you to Set Seven with Mrs White and you can spend the rest of the lesson studying Thomas the Tank Engine. I believe he has lots of buddies too.”

      Alexa’s face suddenly goes bright red and she looks utterly humiliated. I feel really sorry for her, actually.

      Mr Bott then turns to me. “It’s your go, Miss Manners. Anything to add?”

      I stare at the floor for a few seconds. Answering interesting intellectual questions correctly in public is possibly my single greatest weakness. Every time I do it, I make myself even less popular. But I can’t help myself.

      “Well,” I say slowly, and even though I know I should

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