LITMIR.BIZ

      In a shimmer of gray light, we materialized outside the Gates of Hell. I could have just zapped my catch directly inside, but there was a protocol to these things. Humans didn’t go to Hell by mistake; they had either made an agreement with a demon or had been very, very wicked in real life, so they deserved to get the full treatment. Thus, the first stop was the Gates. Intimidation at its finest.

      Out of sight beyond the entrance, the Lake of Fire churned, emanating sulfuric gasses that permeated all of the Pit and its outskirts. I inhaled deeply, relishing the way the brimstone stung my nostrils. Some people liked the smell of frying eggs in the morning. Give me the stench of rotten eggs any time. The staleness of the air made it that much more acrid, and altogether suffocating. Yummy.

      A dim light, shifting between indigo and vermilion, flickered above the great Wall that surrounded the Pit. Mortals tended to think that the Underworld was as dark as a black hole. If that were the case, Hell would be called Black Hole. As with the eternal, infernal stink, the glow was thanks to the Lake of Fire, which fulminated blue sulfuric flames amid its pool of lava. It was also the source of the temperature. Situated in the center of the Earth, the Abyss topped the 3,000-degree mark. Anyone who says “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity” has never been to Hell.

      From the other side of the Wall, wails of suffering and torment rode the air. The screams of the damned mixed with the raucous laughter of the demons, forming a beautiful cacophony of anguish and gratification.

      It was good to be home.

      “Ahhh!”

      Annoyed at being yanked from my reverie, I clouted my lover’s head. Because we had descended to the Underworld plane, his soul had become as solid as his physical shell had been. My hand smacked against his skull with a satisfying thwock. “Quit your whining already.”

      “Ahhh!”

      “You going to shriek all the way to the Lake of Fire?”

      “AHHH!”

      I took that as a yes.

      Outside the Gates, a long line of sinners and demons snaked around the Wall, waiting for admittance into the Abyss. Mortals liked to think that we creatures of the Pit are all chaotic, but in truth, we had major rules to follow. Being Evil wasn’t an excuse to ignore laws literally set in stone. Our Ten Great Rules were etched into the four walls of Abaddon, their commands legible no matter where one stood (or crawled) in Hell.

      Hey, Moses had to get the idea from somewhere. But the whole parting of the Red Sea thing, that had been original.

      I shoved my charge in front of me as we headed toward the back of the line. Privately, I thought the massive Wall around Hell was pandering too much to the mortals. I mean, talk about overkill. Who in their right minds would break in? Humans had no desire to go to Hell (even though they told one another to do so all the time), and angels would never debase themselves by sinking into the bowels of the Earth. The Archangels left us the fuck alone, which was more than fine by me; they were seriously frightening entities.

      That left the damned, the demons, and God. If the damned could escape their punishment, they deserved to leave Hell. Demons had no other place to go, so it wasn’t like we were trapped in an Underworld Roach Motel. As for God, well, considering that the Almighty created basically everything in existence, I seriously doubted that the Gates would keep God out.

      Even though Hell didn’t need the Wall or its Gates, mortals expected them, so we demonfolk obliged. Sweeping up more than ten meters high, the colossal stones of the Wall gleamed, polished to a high shine thanks to the tremendous heat of Hell. At the last Time of Consensus, the Wall stretched more than 7,000 kilometers long. Given that Hell altered its shape to accommodate all the damned, the number was an approximation at best.

      “AHHHH!”

      My paramour’s shrieks increased as he stared at the various denizens of Hell loitering around the Wall, waiting for their turn to be admitted with their charges and pass through the Gates. I easily recognized other succubi and incubi, no matter what physical shape they currently wore. Whether a sixteen-meter gargoyle or a buxom redheaded midget, all Seducers were creatures of the demon king Asmodai, and we all recognized one another for what we were through a psychic seduction sense. I acknowledged my brethren as we passed, giving my ass a bit of a wiggle. They, in turn, answered with assorted lewd gestures. One of the incubi, my pal Daun, did this complicated thing with his thumb and pinky, and I felt my groin tighten in response.

      Mental note: Speak with Daun later. I purred just thinking about it.

      The rest of the waiting demons were tougher to distinguish. Both the Gluttons and the Lazy had flesh rippling over their various bodies. In their natural forms, the Greedy and the Envious all were shades of green, although Coveters always had hypnotic golden eyes. The Arrogant were easy to spot; they all radiated an unholier-than-thou attitude that got under my skin. I didn’t note any Berserkers, but I hadn’t expected to; those demons of Wrath always transported their catches directly to the Lake of Fire for judgment. If they didn’t, things would get…messy.

      The various mortal charges, for the most part, all screamed, gibbered, and wailed, no matter which member of the demon horde they belonged to. I shook my head. Mortals. It was so hard to tell them apart. They all looked the same: Terrified.

      Cringing before me, my lover raised the volume on his own screeches. His eyes darted about wildly, a fine sheen of panic making them particularly bright. He tore his ethereal hair, which wisped away in smoke after he yanked it from his head. Gazing upon the vast, cratered plain outside of Hell that eventually gave way to Limbo, the man summed up the whole of his situation in one word:

      “AHHHH!”

      Rolling my eyes, I resigned myself to listening to his cries for the next ninety minutes or so. Screaming was okay—that went along with the territory—but it did get tiring on the ears. Some demons claimed that a mortal’s shrieks could sing them to sleep. Me, I’d rather listen to Britney Spears.

      “Jezebel! There you are!”

      I grinned up at Megaera as she flew down to me. At the moment, she sported long brown hair, pale skin, and blue eyes. A white toga draped around her form; I guessed she was doing the Greek Muse look, which was all the rage with some of the Fallen.

      Around me, demons backed away, giving Meg a wide berth. Most of my brethren were nervous around the Furies, but Meg and I went back a long, long way. “Hey, girl!” I said. “What’s up?”

      She would have been breathless if she actually breathed. “I’ve been looking all over for you.” She noticed the man next to me, who blanched from the attention. To me, she asked, “Can you get away?”

      I motioned with my chin to my lover. “I’m sort of busy at the moment. After I turn in my charge, I have to file my receipt.” Waiting to get into Hell was nothing compared with trying to get paid. I had planned on spending the better part of the next three days waiting in line.

      Meg blew out a sigh. “As soon as you’re done, call me.” She leapt into the sky and disappeared somewhere inside the Abyss. I had no idea what Meg wanted, but knowing her, it meant she was up to no good.

      Most

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