The Red House Mystery and Other Novels - A. A. Milne

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      BELINDA (_rapturously_). Oh, I was sweet!

      DELIA. And yet he left you after only six months.

      BELINDA (_rather crossly, sitting up_). I wish you wouldn't keep on saying he left me. I left him too.

      DELIA (_running to and kneeling in front of_ BELINDA _and looking anxiously into her face_). Why?

      BELINDA (_smiling to herself_). Well, you see, he was quite certain he knew how to manage women, and I was quite certain I knew how to manage men. (_Thoughtfully_.) If only one of us had been certain, it would have been all right.

      DELIA (_seriously_). What really happened, mummy? I'm grown up now, so I think you ought to tell me.

      BELINDA (_thoughtfully_). That was about all, you know ... except for his beard.

      DELIA. Had he a beard? (_Laughing_.) How funny!

      BELINDA (_roaring with laughter, in which_ DELIA _joins_). Yes, dear, it was; but he never would see it. He took it quite seriously.

      DELIA. And did you say dramatically, "If you really loved me, you'd take it off"?

      BELINDA (_apologetically_). I'm afraid I did, darling.

      DELIA. And what did he say?

      BELINDA. He said--_very_ rudely--that, if I loved _him, _I'd do my hair in a different way.

      DELIA (_sinks down on her haunches, facing the audience_). How ridiculous!

      BELINDA (_touching her hair_). Of course, I didn't do it like this then. I suppose we never ought to have married, really.

      DELIA. Why did you?

      BELINDA. Mother rather wanted it. (_Solemnly_.) Delia, never get married because your mother---- Oh, I forgot; _I'm_ your mother.

      DELIA. And I don't want a better one ... (_They embrace_.) And so you left each other?

      BELINDA. Yes.

      DELIA. But, darling, didn't you tell him there was going to be a Me?

      BELINDA. Oh no!

      DELIA. I wonder why not?

      BELINDA. Well, you see, if I had, he might have wanted to stay.

      DELIA. But----

      BELINDA (_hurt_). If he didn't want to stay for _me, _I didn't want him to stay for _you_. (_Penitently_.) Forgive me, darling, but I didn't know you very well then. We've been very happy together, haven't we?

      DELIA (_going to the hammock, sitting in it and dangling her legs_). I should think we have.

      BELINDA (_leaning back in chair_). I don't want to deny you anything, and, of course, if you'd like a stepfather (_looking down modestly_) or two--

      DELIA. Oh, you _have_ been enjoying yourself.

      BELINDA. Only you see how awkward it would be if Jack turned up in the middle of the wedding, like--like Eugene Aram.

      DELIA. Enoch Arden, darling.

      BELINDA. It's very confusing their having the same initials. Perhaps I'd better call them both E. A. in future and then I shall be safe. Well, anyhow it would be awkward, darling, wouldn't it? Not that I should know him from Adam after all these years--except for a mole on his left arm.

      DELIA. Perhaps Adam had a mole.

      BELINDA. No, darling; you're thinking of Noah. He had two.

      DELIA (_thoughtfully_). I wonder what would happen if you met somebody whom you really _did_ fall in love with?

      BELINDA (_reproachfully_). Now you're being serious, and it's April.

      DELIA. Aren't these two--the present two--serious?

      BELINDA. Oh no! They think they are, but they aren't a bit, really. Besides, I'm doing them such a lot of good. I'm sure they'd hate to marry me, but they love to think they're in love with me, and--_I_ love it, and--and _they_ love it, and--and we _all_ love it.

      DELIA (_rising and crossing to_ BELINDA). You really are the biggest, darlingest baby who ever lived. (_Kisses her_.) Do say I shan't spoil your lovely times.

      BELINDA (_surprised_). Spoil them? Why, you'll make them more lovely than ever.

      DELIA (_turning away and sitting on table_). Well, but do they know you have a grown-up daughter?

      BELINDA (_suddenly realizing and sitting up_). Oh!

      DELIA. It doesn't really matter, because you don't look a day more than thirty.

      BELINDA (_absently_). No. (_Hurriedly_.) I mean, how sweet of you--only----

      DELIA. What!

      BELINDA (_playing with her rings_). Well, one of them, Mr. Baxter-- Harold--(_she looks quickly up at_ DELIA _and down again in pretty affectation, but she is really laughing at herself all the time_) he writes statistical articles for the Reviews--percentages and all those things. He's just the sort of man, if he knew that I was your mother, to work it out that I was more than thirty. The other one, Mr. Devenish--Claude--(_she looks up and down as before_) he's rather, rather poetical. He thinks I came straight from heaven--last week.

      DELIA (_laughing and jumping up and crossing below deck-chair to_ R. _towards house_). I think _I'd_ better go straight back to Paris.

      BELINDA (_jumping up and catching her firmly by the left arm_). You will do nothing of the sort. (_Pulling_ DELIA _back to centre_.) You will take off that hat--(_she lets go of the arm and begins to take out the pin_) which is a perfect duck, and I don't know why I didn't say so before--(_she puts the hat down on the table_) and let me take a good look at you (_she does so_), and kiss you (_she does so, then crosses_ DELIA _below her and takes her towards the house_), and then we'll go to your room and unpack and have a lovely talk about clothes. And then we'll have tea.

      (BETTY _comes in and stands up at back_.)

      And now here's Betty coming in to upset all our delightful plans, just when we'vt made them. (BELINDA _and_ DELIA _are now on_ BETTY'S R.)

      DELIA (_leaving_ BELINDA _and shaking hands with_ BETTY). How are you, Betty? I've left school.

      BETTY. Very nicely, thank you, miss. (_Backing to_ L. _and admiring_.) You've grown.

      BELINDA (_moving to and patting the top of_ DELIA'S _head_). I'm much taller than she is... (_Crossing to_ BETTY _in front of_ DELIA.) Well, Betty, what is it?

      BETTY. The two gentlemen, Mr. Baxter and Mr. Devenish, have both called together, ma'am.

      BELINDA (_excited_). Oh! How--how very simultaneous of them!

      DELIA (_eagerly, going towards house_). Oh, do let me see them!

      BELINDA (_stopping her_). Darling, you'll see plenty of them before you've finished. (_To_ BETTY _in an exaggerated whisper_.) What have you done with them?

      BETTY. They're waiting in the hall, ma'am, while I said I would see if you were at home.

      BELINDA. All right, Betty. Give me two minutes and then show them out here.

      BETTY. Yes, ma'am.

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