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      Fly On the Walmart: Confessions of a Young Walmart Greeter

      by

      Kristin Mango

      Copyright 2011 Kristin Mango,

      All rights reserved.

      Published in eBook format by eBookIt.com

       http://www.eBookIt.com

      ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-0429-5

      No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.

      BEFORE WE BEGIN

      I am Kristin Mango, and I was a twenty year old Walmart people greeter. In high school, I was an honors/AP student with an above 4.0 GPA. I was also an academic decathlete who won third place in overall score out of two hundred forty two decathletes in one of the toughest regions in the nation. I’m earning my bachelor’s degree about two years after graduating high school.

      Now, because I am a Walmart greeter, many assume that I am a raging idiot, and some even let me know what they think of my intellect. I’ve found that casually mentioning that I’m a college senior will shut those people up. They’ll excuse you for holding such a position if you’re a student. After all, you’re trying to better yourself, and those are the only types of jobs within a student’s ability to attain.

      This job has been truly humbling.

      The following is the story of my life as a Walmart greeter. Some passages are generalizations of experiences working as a people greeter while others are specific stories about interesting and bizarre occurrences. Enjoy!

      THE BEGINNING

      My husband was working nights at a gas station, I was unemployed and living with him, and our wedding was one week away. I absolutely abhor being dependent on anyone, so being unemployed was driving me crazy. Burger King, nanny jobs, and banks are only a few places that received my resume. No bites.

      While my husband was at work, I would fill out as many applications as possible. I worked only by the light of my computer screen since we were on a very tight budget.

      I reminisced about my college days in Kentucky. The university I attended was surrounded by cornfields, and a college student had few places to go to hang out. My two best friends and I used to go to the Walmart to hang out, and the memories created there were some of my best. Walmart was the place I wanted to work, or so I thought.

      At around midnight, I filled out the Walmart application, which took me about an hour to complete because of all the personality test questions. Walmart also requires that applicants pass a test in order to be considered for any position. I passed the test and said a few prayers that they would hire me.

      My prayers were answered a mere nine hours later when I received a call from Walmart asking if I could show up for an interview the next day. On New Years’ Eve, four days after I submitted my application, I got my people greeter job offer.

      RESPONSIBILITIES

      Like many people, I erroneously believed that all a Walmart people greeter had to do was say “Welcome to Walmart” and, occasionally and by some mystical system, check receipts. This easy job is performed by old, retired geezers. Such an image has been popularized by Jeff Dunham’s Walter’s famous phrase, “Welcome to Walmart. Get your shit and get out.”

      Unfortunately, I quickly discovered that the job actually entailed a lot more responsibility. In addition to greeting each person as he or she enters and exits the store and checking receipts, I also had to pull out carts for people, help cart pushers guide the carts, clean trash out of the carts, scan items to be returned and give labels for the returns, maintain the scanner and printer, keep track of which power carts were fully charged, help old and disabled people move the carts in and out of their places, keep the floors well swept (and well dry mopped, too, when it was raining), place a sticker on items customers brought in, make sure cart wipes are always available, collect “go backs” from 36 registers, place returns back on shelves, cheerfully and respectfully deal with disgruntled and disrespectful customers, ensure people don’t smoke or bring alcohol into the store, and whatever else the supervisor told me to do. All for $48 to $60 per day.

      Walmart is an excellent company to work for. They take care of their employees, take extra precautions to make sure their employees and customers are safe, and provide good benefits.

      FICKLE FINGER

      By my second day on the job, I discovered that Walmart, like many other institutions, changes its mind about the rules and procedures constantly. During my first day on the job, I was told to scan each item, place the label on the item, and print out extra generic labels in case the machine malfunctions. On the second day on the job, I was told to scan each item but not place the labels on the item, and not to print out extra generic labels unless I hide them well. The last rule came about because some people pick up items from the shelves, bring them to customer service, and ask for their money back for an item they never purchased. Someone that morning had stolen a general label from the man who worked before my shift, taken an item from a shelf, and taken it to customer service for a refund. Sometimes I marvel at the things people will do to get money that isn’t rightfully theirs.

      Greeters are also required to stand during their entire shift. I was informed, however, that greeters in the garden center are allowed to sit. Later, they changed their mind about that, too, and one of the supervisors made me take away the stool greeters were sitting on.

      WALMART BABY

      It’s my second day on the job, and I was in the middle of one of our endless returns at the time. I heard what sounded like a combination of a moan and a scream coming from inside the front of the store. I jumped. By the time I looked toward where the noise came from, a crowd had formed near the customer service area. A girl of about 18 was bent over, clutching her gut.

      “It hurts!” the girl screamed.

      After a few moments, her poor boyfriend had come to the realization that his girlfriend was in labor with his child. Immediately, the boyfriend went into panic mode. He ran back and forth for a while before finally making it out the door to get the car. Meanwhile, a crowd gathered around the young woman who continued to scream.

      CRAZY LADY

      This is the story of how I got whacked by a little old white lady in a wheelchair.

      It was one of my morning shifts when I had worked the night before, and I had only been working at Walmart for a month. I was going over someone’s beautiful baby when I heard I shrill old female voice say, “Help me with one of these carts over here.”

      I smiled and hurried over to the old lady who was in a red power chair. I was going to compliment her on her beautiful blue knit blanket when she barked at me to help her into a Walmart electric cart. As I attempted to get out a proper cart for her, the crazy lady continually yelled at me, telling me that I was doing the job wrong. I had no idea that there was one right way to retrieve an electric cart.

      “How long have you been here?” she asked.

      “One month,” I replied.

      “Oh, well,” she said curtly, “A month here is a day…wherever.”

      I

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