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      As you can see, there's a broad behavioral spectrum to ghost-riding the whip, and in this case, I've categorized behaviors as “manic” or “depressed” based on how far they deviate from the hypothetical Mistah F.A.B.'s normal hyphy or unhyphy mood states. In the following section, I'm going to be discussing the criteria physicians use to identify the different aspects of bipolar disorder as outlined in the DSM-V, that big fat book published by the American Psychiatric Association that contains the diagnostic criteria for all the psychiatric disorders our society currently believes in. Like the songs in a jukebox, the stock of “mental disorders” in the DSM changes all the time—up until 1973, homosexuality was listed as a mental disorder (message to APA pre-1973: you guys aren't doing your credibility any favors . . .) It hardly needs saying that the DSM-V is not a perfect guide to mental illness, and that some of the “illnesses” that have been described there in the past are no longer considered illnesses at all. Unlike pregnancy, you can't pee on a stick to find out if you have bipolar disorder. Definitions evolve over time, and in a hundred years, the category “bipolar disorder” might be as antiquated as the category “hysteria” is today. The purpose of the following section is to discuss the common symptoms of mania, hypomania, and depression and what they can feel like—and also to help you resist the urge to dump every experience in your life into one of those categories.

      NORMAL HAPPINESS AND NORMAL ENERGY—HUZZAH!

      When you've just been diagnosed with a major disorder like bipolar, you might have the urge to reinterpret everything in terms of either mania/hypomania or depression. But honestly, not every moment in your life is depressed or manic: much of the time, you're just plain old you. Normal happiness and energy are just that—normal. You don't need to pathologize your enthusiasm for flying kites or attribute your last romantic success to hypomania. You're probably a charming, loveable, energetic person in “real life”—good for you! You can be ambitious, adventurous, and fun loving outside of mania. The key difference between a “normal” state and a manic or hypomanic state is whether or not your perceptions of reality and your own abilities have shifted, and whether this shift messes up your ability to relate to other people or get your work done. If you're normally a beast on the dance floor who loves to hook up with hot strangers, good for you! If you're a lifelong wallflower who is suddenly electrified with the belief that you're Justin Timberlake bringing sexxy back—well, maybe that's not normal. Let's be perfectly clear: you're allowed to grow and change, try new things, whatever. If done with a clear mind, almost any action you undertake can be considered normal. You should worry about it only if you start basing your actions on unusual logic or logic radically different than your default setting, or if people around you start noticing a marked departure from your usual behavior.

      Going skydiving because you think it's cool = normal. Going skydiving because you temporarily believe you're an invincible god = not normal. Being a talkative person = normal. All your friends are staring at you because you've been talking like an auctioneer all day = not normal.

      MANIA

      All ghostin' aside, what is mania, and how can you or other people tell if you're manic? You're manic if your belief about your own capacities expands drastically, if you start engaging in activities that are drastically out of character, making plans drastically out of sync with reality, or behaving in an overblown, irrational, out-of-control manner. It can be hard for you to tell if you're manic, at least immediately, but it's pretty easy for other people to tell. You think you're a celebrity, believe you can walk in front of traffic, and obsessively call the Federal Reserve to tell them your brilliant solution to the economic recession. You feel like you don't need to eat or sleep, and feel a vast and potent connection to complete strangers. Words tumble out of your mouth in a great flood. You start taking your job as a mall cop too seriously and stay up all night drafting a new and improved plan for mall safety, which you work on tirelessly with no breaks for several days. It's the key, the key. People spend all their time in malls, right? Safety is key, right? Mall safety, that's where it's at, that's where it's at. Your friends and family notice a difference and try to talk you down. “Dear, can we not talk about the menace of escalators tonight?”

      Technically, mania is defined by the DSM-V as “a distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting at least one week (or any duration if hospitalization is necessary).” Therefore, drinking too much coffee and running around like a ferret for one day doesn't qualify as a manic episode (unless you get caught by animal control and hospitalized for it).

      The DSM-V lists seven symptoms of mania, at least four of which are usually present in a full-blown manic episode:¹

      The DSM-V definition goes on to state that the above symptoms should not be the result of illegal drugs and must be severe enough to really wreak havoc on your normal life. Psychosis is sometimes a feature of manic episodes, too.

      Everyone's experience of mania is different. Some people experience it as a fabulous period of elation, while other people get extremely agitated and experience no pleasure at all. Mania is on a continuum—it takes your normal behaviors and personality and amplifies them. A manic episode can lead to hospitalization or self-harm, and the tomfoolery you get up to while manic can demolish your savings, land you in prison, and make you feel embarrassed later on. Mania can also give you a unique drive and a window into realms of

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