LITMIR.BIZ

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doing? He retreated. This was all wrong. “But anyway, it can probably wait.…”

      Ked’s voice intruded. “What’s in B.C.?”

      “Oh. Well. I was … I mean, there’s someone I met there I like a lot. I want to get to know him better. But of course my home is here — with you.” Dan watched closely, trying to read that inscrutable teenage face that seemed to follow him with X-ray vision, as though his son knew his deepest secrets.

      “That’s cool.”

      “What’s cool?”

      “That you want to go to B.C. Especially if there’s someone you like.” Ked cocked his head. “Is he nice?”

      Dan nodded. “Yes. He is. Thanks for asking.”

      “Just checking up on you.”

      “And anyway, it’s just a thought. I mean, I might not go —”

      Ked fixed him with a stare. “Dad, I just want you to be happy. Have you ever been happy in your entire life?”

      “What?” Dan looked intently at his son. “Of course I’ve been happy.” He stopped and thought about it. “Maybe not for a while, but I will be again.”

      Ked sat watching him. “What makes you happy?”

      “Did your Uncle Donny tell you to ask me this?” Dan said, suspicion clouding his mind.

      “No.”

      “Okay. Well, you make me happy, for one.”

      “What else?”

      Dan thought it over. Not much came to mind. Could he add Trevor to the list? What was he expecting of Trevor anyway? Salvation? Love everlasting? Supernatural sex? What happened when the sex slowed and the boredom quickened? When the perfect life became perfectly boring? The picture clouded. What would he do about the weight gain from not dancing or working out every other day and one too many hot chocolates before the fire? Or just from not having enough to get up and get done in the morning. These were precisely the kinds of things that destroyed relationships. And would Trevor still respect him no matter what tricks Dan came up with to booby-trap their rose-strewn path ahead? He was only now becoming aware of all the ways he sabotaged his own best intentions. Did he, Dan, even have what it took to make a go of things without fucking up, throwing up his hands, and moving on?

      He smiled. Listen to me, he thought. I’ve already moved in with him in my mind and we’re having our first fight, all without him even being there. Who says I’m not complex?

      “I don’t know what else at this moment. It’s hard to say right now. It’s been a rough year for me too.” He shrugged and tried to cover his seriousness.

      Ked watched him. “So just me? One thing?”

      Dan nodded.

      “Is that enough?”

      “What do you mean?”

      Ked looked around. “I mean … well, I’m happy living here with you, but Ralph makes me happy and I like playing basketball, and Mom makes me happy, and Uncle Donny too. There’s lots of things that make me happy —”

      “And you think I need to have lots of things too?”

      “Maybe you just need a few more.”

      Dan watched his son watching him.

      “I know you hate Toronto.…”

      “It doesn’t mean I want to leave.”

      “I’ll be fine if you do.”

      Dan stared at him.

      “Dad — I’m almost done high school. I just have a few years left, and then I’ll be going to university somewhere.”

      Dan was shocked to realize it was as close in time as that. He tried not to let the surprise sound in his voice. “Where will you go?”

      Ked made a face. “I don’t know. Geez! I haven’t even started to apply. The one I want to go to most is in B.C., though, so if you moved there —”

      “Who said anything about moving?”

      “No one.” Ked shrugged.

      “Good, because I’m just going for a trip.” And to try to talk someone into coming back with me, Dan thought. Maybe his son was right. Didn’t he deserve a happy ending? Still, he couldn’t abandon Ked. Couldn’t, wouldn’t — it was all the same. For some things, there were no second chances. “I’m going, but I’ll be back. Don’t even think of trying to get out of doing the housework.”

      He would not leave for now, though Ked was right — one day, he would. That didn’t mean Dan was stuck here till he died, however. Vancouver was only five hours away, and Air Canada had non-stop flights every day of the week. What more could you ask?

      “Anyway,” Ked continued, “if I go to school in B.C., I might see you hanging out there.”

      Dan snorted. “Hanging out? Is that what you think you’ll be doing in university?”

      “Dad! Relax, would you?”

      “I’m relaxed!”

      “Yeah?” Ked eyed his father. “Okay, then. Let’s see you.”

      Dan knew this would be hard to do without a drink, but he was only two months into his promise to Ked and he wasn’t going to break it. Six months wasn’t that long — not when you really thought about it. He felt himself dialling the number before he’d consciously made the decision.

      Trevor answered. “Don’t tell me — you’re on a ferry that’s just pulling into harbour.”

      “No, not this time.”

      “Good. Because the place is a mess and I’d hate to think you were coming out here just to cheer me up. You don’t have some scheme to come and save me from loneliness or something, do you? I don’t need to be saved.”

      “Not at all,” Dan said. “But I’ve been thinking a lot about how that gong sounded in the Japanese garden and how dark it gets there at night.”

      “Does that mean you’re coming for another visit?”

      “I’d like to.” Dan faltered. Words were failing him. “I’ve been thinking that my mind needs a break … before I start to hate everything here again. And it so happens there’s a seat sale on right now.”

      “Fantastic!” Trevor jumped on it. “But I’m not pressuring you. I’d love to see you. Any time — I told you that. I’ve got the cure for whatever ails you.”

      “Just so you know, I haven’t had a drink in two months, so I’m a total basket case, but a committed one.”

      He was wrapping a box with a miniature Pride flag rolled up inside and a note that said, “I hope that’s enough colour for you.” Before he left, he’d drop it off at the office with a thank you note for Sally.

      “I’m not selling the house or committing myself to anything … well, apart from spending the night with a cup of hot chocolate in front of your fireplace now and again. Preferably with lots of marshmallows.”

      “You’re travelling 4,300 kilometres to have a cup of hot chocolate?”

      “With you. A cup of hot chocolate with you. Any problem with that?”

      Trevor laughed. “None whatsoever.”

      “Fine. Then wish me luck —”

      “Good luck.”

      “— and I’ll see you soon. Can I bring you anything?”

      “Yeah. Bring your tool belt. You can read into that whatever you like.”

      Downstairs Ralph sat looking at him. “What do you

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