LITMIR.BIZ

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“Is that a rhetorical question?”

      “No.”

      “Then maybe you are. Supposed to have an epiphany. Maybe that’s what you need — an epiphany to tell you how to save your own life. Something to tell you that it’s worth saving.”

      “And what exactly would that be?” Dan heard the anger surge in his voice. “All you ever do is ask questions, Martin. Don’t you ever have any fucking answers?”

      Martin stared until Dan felt uncomfortable. He leaned forward. “What’s the one thing that matters most to you?” Martin asked. “Whatever it is, hold fast to it.”

      Dan had a sudden glimpse of this pathetic little man returning to his empty house and his lonely life every single evening for the rest of his days. A man who had no friends and who suspected the motives of everyone he met. A man who probably had never been happy and who had once turned to his profession hoping it might save him from himself, only to discover it couldn’t save anyone. All his hope dying with it.

      “I’ll do that.” Dan turned the handle and the door opened. The lights were off in the waiting room. “Thank you, Martin,” he said. “I’ll see myself out.”

      Craig stayed with him all that long month of no drink, no news. A month of Dan thinking about who the man had really been. Father, teacher, lover. Remarkable by any account, despite his undeservedly sad ending. Dan tried to imagine what might still remain of him — a soul, maybe, or just some essential spark if you were less inclined to go in for sentiment. Whatever it was would have been hovering over his sons, if it wasn’t busy haunting his wife in some spooky supernatural capacity. Somehow, that last thought appealed to Dan.

      Ed called Dan to his office the day after he informed Martin he would no longer be attending the weekly therapy sessions. Dan had his resignation letter ready.

      “You’re my best investigator, Dan. I was going to tell you it was time to stop that nonsense anyway. Won’t you give this another think?”

      “Not at present, Ed. Sorry.”

      Whatever the future might hold, he told himself, he was going to get in a whole lot of jogging. He might even welcome a lascivious proposition or two, though none came his way. Sobriety was having a strange effect on him.

      Though Ked was still at Kendra’s, Dan was making the effort to see more of him. Even Ralph began to weary of all the walks he now received, turning his head when Dan opened his arms wide with a “What do you want, boy?”

      The rain was coming higgledy-piggledy down the windshield, a composition in silver and grey, liquid and changing. Enigmatic codes, scribbles darting across the screen, with the wipers batting the way. Then maybe you are. Supposed to have an epiphany. Then maybe you are. Supposed to have an epiphany. Martin’s words came back to him, insistent, keeping time with the wipers. The bright effervescence of October, that final burst of summer-not-quite-over, had led to the dreariness of November’s bride-stripped-bare before slipping into December’s oncoming winter-never-ending. By the time Dan reached the wind-riven shores of Prince Edward County, the rain had turned into wet, sloppy flakes that splatted against the windshield all along the Loyalist Parkway.

      Ted had telephoned unexpectedly, asking for Dan’s company. Not his help, but his company. His strength: “I can’t do this alone. Will you go with me?” He’d put off confronting his mother till he had a bit more solid ground — meaning drug-free time — under his feet before tackling her. But now he felt ready. Sunday.

      He’d chosen the weekend when both she and Thom would be at Adolphustown closing the house down for the winter. Perhaps subconsciously he’d wanted to confront her where the crimes against his father had been perpetrated. To face her on her own turf. Never a wise decision, Dan thought. But it was Ted’s choice.

      Dan had agreed to accompany him. It was odd how straight men turned to him as though he were innately more competent than them. Or maybe it was so they could finally stop pretending to be competent and let someone else do the job for once.

      They met at a café in downtown Picton. Not the Murky Turkey. Better for both of them to avoid even the hint of temptation, surrounded instead by sandwiches and bright little pastries and coffee, sweets and caffeine still being the only socially acceptable addictions.

      Ted looked clean, far better than when he and Dan had last met. He confirmed it had been six long, difficult weeks. But with the knowledge that he could pull himself through came the strength of self-confidence. He was finally starting to feel better for it. He smiled. He seemed in remarkably good spirits for a man who was about to blow apart his entire family. Though in some way or other he’d been preparing for this moment for most of his adult life.

      He pocketed his cell phone as Dan walked in. He’d been talking to Thom, he said, trying to prepare his brother for what was coming. At first Thom hung up in disbelief, but he called back within minutes. He was ready to hear the truth. And Ted had delivered it. Give him till one o’clock, Thom said. They would confront her together. Ted agreed.

      “It took me a while to convince him. I think it was harder for him to believe our father was gay than that he’d killed himself. I don’t think I would have believed it either, but for the diary.” He shrugged philosophically. “He found it particularly hard to accept the story about the assault charges. I assured him Magnus had witnessed the altercation and that he was still very much alive to tell the tale.”

      “What was his reaction?”

      “He was in a rage. It wasn’t loud, but I could tell. He fumes quietly, my brother. We’re both practised at repressing our emotions. We’ve always been a family of liars, especially when it comes to our feelings, and damn good at it too. I think the legacy goes back to our grandfather, if not well before that.”

      Dan remembered standing by Nathaniel Macaulay’s grave outside the Church of St. Mary Magdalene in the long shadows of morning. A man whose intolerance and prejudice had reached so far as to touch the lives of his own grandchildren, long after his death. Was that the Presbyterian idea of immortality?

      “Can I ask something…?”

      “Shoot.”

      “On the last page in the police report, you were quoted as saying your dad was a liar. What did you mean by it?”

      Ted gave a bitter laugh. “My father showed up at home right before he disappeared. I hadn’t known he was coming and I was thrilled to see him. It was my birthday and I thought he’d come for that. He came into my bedroom. I remember he was crying. He held me a long time and said he was coming back to us and that everything was going to be the way it had been. But he never came back again, and I couldn’t understand why he didn’t keep his promise.”

      Dan nodded. “Not much of a birthday present.”

      Ted looked at his watch. “Twenty minutes.”

      “Sure you don’t want to rethink this?”

      “No — I can’t.”

      They finished their coffee and got ready. Ted wanted to stop for cigarettes. He couldn’t give up every addiction, he told Dan with a smile. That would still give him time to get to the ferry and over to the house while Thom did whatever he needed to prepare himself. They stepped out into the whiteness of a flurry. Dan hesitated on the steps of the café before heading for his car. He watched Ted head out, shoulder to the wind, waiting till he drove off.

      Dan started up the engine, the wipers taking right off again, picking up the old refrain: Then maybe you are. Supposed to have an epiphany. Then maybe you are. Supposed to have an epiphany. Craig Killingworth’s face bobbed up and down like a sideshow clown at the midway, a moving target in the Shoot-’Em-Up galleries. In the background, Dan imagined Ted’s father-in-law, Nathaniel Macaulay, holding a gun to his shoulder and squeezing the trigger again and again.

      Dan slowed the car as he approached Glenora. No line-up. He glanced across the water where the ferry was just reaching the far shore. There was still time. He found himself turning around

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