Backlash II: More Tales Told by Hunters, Fishermen and Other Damned Liars - Galen Winter

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v. Scheinert

       Matching the Hatch

       Dog Talk

       The Malthusian Theory

       The Hog Pen

      This is the second collection of Backlash columns and articles appearing in The Wisconsin Sportsman, The Wisconsin Outdoor Journal and the Ducks Unlimited magazines.

      I wanted to call the first collection: “The King James Version of the Holy Bible.” I thought it was a catchy title that might help its sales. I had to give it up when I was informed the title had already been taken.

      The Editor, against the advice of his staff and his Board of Directors, decided to publish that first book, but insisted I give it the title: “BACKLASH.” He further insisted on its subtitle: “A Compendium of Lore and Lies – Mostly Lies – Concerning Hunting, Fishing and the Out-of-Doors.”

      Though I harbored serious but unspoken misgivings, I swallowed my pride and agreed. Now another Editor, obviously cut from the same cloth, insists I call this book:

      “Backlash II - Tales Told by Hunters, Fishermen and Other Damned Liars.” This time I must register my objection.

      The perceptive reader who carefully studies that proposed title might very easily conclude it leaves the subtle impression that out-of-doors types cannot always be believed. Even such a gentle hint of an accusation that hunters and fishermen might unwittingly tell a fib is an anathema to me. I will not stand for it.

      In these days when television ads, politicians’ speeches, lawyers’ summations to juries and used car salesmen are all given the presumption of truthfulness, to suggest a fisherman is 1 lying when he describes the size of the Arctic Char he caught in one of the tributaries of Brazil’s Amazon River staggers the imagination.

      The judicial system has fallen into a disgraceful state. Upper Michigan judges will not allow fishermen to testify in open court, even when placed under oath. What is this world coming to?

      Surely, anyone who is an active participant in hunting and fishing activities has been acquainted with a sportsman who may have been suspected of occasionally telling the truth. Does the general public know it? Unfortunately, they do not. It is time for us to expose the vile canard that has for so long convinced otherwise rational people to believe out-of-doors types treat the truth with Cavalier distain.

      Clearly, a scientific study was needed and I undertook the job. I polled all of my friends - the people who hunt and fish with me. The poll questions were:

      1. Are hunters and fishermen paragons of virtue who always, always tell the truth?

      - or -

      2. Do hunters and fishermen (due to faulty memories or illness) at times (inadvertently and without intent to deceive) occasionally report misstatements of fact?

      - or -

      3. Other

      The results of that poll are instructive. All four votes were cast for Question #1. Since the accuracy of polls is unquestioned, the matter of sportsmen’s honesty is, finally, set to rest. We are, all of us, honest and marvelous citizens.

      I hurried to the Editor’s office, threw the poll documents on his desk and triumphantly exclaimed: “See, smarty pants!” I watched his lips move as he read the poll results. You can imagine my consternation when, nevertheless, he still insisted on his proposed title.

      It now became a matter of principle. Should I again accede to the Philistine demands and, puppy-like, accept an odious title to my work of art simply because I wanted to get the book published and make a lot of royalty money? Should I genuflect to commercial interest or should I maintain my independence and refuse to allow my work to be prostituted?

      I told the Editor he could take his title and stick it. I told him I didn’t give a damn if he refused to publish my opus. I told him I would stand on my principles, come hell or high water, and I stormed out of his office. That was the end of it. Let it be a lesson to you. Always be guided by your principles.

      Galen Winter

       Shawano, WI

      (NOTE: You have just been conned into reading the Author’s Preface.)

      A number of older fishermen and a few younger ones who have been playing around with married women have foreseen the possibility of death staring them straight in the face. As a result they have become more than casually interested in learning if there is any fishing in the after life and, if so, where can they get tips to help them prepare for an eternity of post mortem fishing.

      It has been suggested that I investigate the matter and inform the interested parties of the results. Credible source material was not easy to obtain. Religious leaders and the Department of Natural Resource folks were contacted and engaged in serious discussion. The ministers, rabbis, priests and mullahs didn’t venture an opinion. They told me I should go to Heaven if I wanted accurate information. The DNR folks also passed the buck. When I called them, they told me to go to hell and hung up. I followed the advice of both parties and am now able to give you this authoritative report.

      Yes, in Heaven excellent fishing is available. If fly fishing is your predilection, in the Trout Fishing Section of New Jerusalem it is always June. The streams running through it contain substantial populations of German Brown trout as big as your leg. There is an unbroken Grey Drake hatch. The Elysian Fields produce a bumper crop of grasshoppers. Dave’s Hopper is the recommended terrestrial (or should I say “celestial”) artificial fly.

      The lakes up there are the homes for humongous Muskies. The minimum size limit is 55 inches and a review of heavenly records shows not a single instance of a smaller Musky being hooked or even seen followed a plug. Though known as the “fish of a thousand casts” here on earth, up there the Musky is commonly called “the fish of ten casts”.

      Walleyes, as well as large Perch and other pan fish abound in the Heavenly lakes. Huge Big Mouth Bass are vicious in their attacks of artificial lures. Because fish dinners are provided free of charge in Valhalla, all fishing is Catch and Release, thereby releasing the fisherman of the onerous job of convincing his wife to scale and clean the fish.

      The seasons of the year are divided according to interest and usage instead of chronologically. If you prefer to ice fish, the Winter Sport Season of Paradise has lakes frozen over three hundred and sixty five days a year (366 during leap years). Special frozen lakes and rivers are reserved for Sturgeon spearing. Ice shanties and spearing blinds need never be removed from the lakes since there is no spring thaw in that part of Heaven.

      In the Summer Lake Fishing Section of Heaven, all outboard motors are required to start on the first crank. They use neither oil nor gasoline and deep cell batteries for trolling motors never have to be recharged. Lakes and streams are not crowded, rod tips are never broken and there is no DNR. That’s why they call it “Paradise”.

      As a special favor, St. Peter reviewed admission records back to the time the Place was established. Except for the Saints who netted fish in the Sea of Galilee before getting religion and giving up the sport, no fisherman has ever been admitted to Heaven. Fishermen were and continue to be such terrible liars that not one of them has ever come close to meeting the heavenly SAT exam requirements. This accounts for the fact the lakes and streams are never crowded.

      Having

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