LITMIR.BIZ

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off mountains if it meant my happiness. The truth is they made me uneasy. In their eyes I could see who they saw and I didn’t like it. I saw my reflection in their expressions more than in any mirror. Some people have the power to do that, to look at you and their faces let you know exactly how you’re behaving. I suppose it was because they loved me, but I couldn’t spend too much time with people who loved me because of those eyes, because of that reflection.

      Ever since I was ten they had tiptoed around me, watched me warily. They had pretend conversations and false laughs that echoed around the house. They would try to distract me, create an ease and normality in the atmosphere, but I knew that they were doing it and why, and it only made me aware that something was wrong.

      They were so supportive, they loved me so much and each time the house was about to be turned upside down for yet another gruelling search they never gave in without a pleasant fight. Milk and cookies at the kitchen table, the radio on in the background and the washing machine going, all to break the uncomfortable silence that would inevitably ensue.

      Mum would give me that smile, that smile that didn’t reach her eyes, the smile that made her back teeth clench and grind when she thought I wasn’t looking. With forced easiness in her voice and that forced face of happiness, she would cock her head to one side, try not to let me know she was studying me intently and say, ‘Why do you want to search the house again, honey?’ She always called me ‘honey’, like she knew as much as I did that I was no more Sandy Shortt than Jenny-May Butler an angel.

      No matter how much action and noise had been created in the kitchen to avoid the uncomfortable silence, it didn’t seem to work. The silence drowned it all out.

      My answer: ‘Because I can’t find it, Mum.’

      ‘What pair are they?’ – the easy smile, the pretence that this was a casual conversation and not a desperate attempt at interrogation to find out how my mind worked.

      ‘My blue ones with the white stripes,’ I answered on one typical occasion. I insisted on bright coloured socks, bright and identifiable so that they could be easily found.

      ‘Well, maybe you didn’t put both of them in the linen basket, honey. Maybe the one you’re looking for is somewhere in your room.’ A smile, trying not to fidget, swallow hard.

      I shook my head. ‘I put them both in the basket, I saw you put them both in the machine and only one came back out. It’s not in the machine and it’s not in the basket.’

      The plan to have the washing machine switched on as a distraction backfired and was then the focus of attention. My mum tried not to struggle with losing that placid smile as she glanced at the overturned basket on the kitchen floor, all her folded clothes scattered and rolled in messy piles. For one second she let the façade drop. I could have missed it with a blink but I didn’t. I saw the look on her face when she glanced down. It was fear. Not for the missing sock, but for me. She quickly plastered the smile on again, shrugging like it was all no big deal.

      ‘Perhaps it blew away in the wind. I had the patio door open.’

      I shook my head.

      ‘Or it could have fallen out of the basket when I carried it over from there to there.’

      I shook my head again.

      She swallowed and her smile tightened. ‘Maybe it’s caught up in the sheets. Those sheets are so big; you’d never see a little sock hidden in there.’

      ‘I already checked.’

      She took a cookie from the centre of the table and bit down hard, anything to take the smile off her aching face. She chewed for a while, pretending not to be thinking, pretending to listen to the radio and humming the tune of a song she didn’t even know. All to fool me into thinking there was nothing to be worried about.

      ‘Honey,’ she smiled, ‘sometimes things just get lost.’

      ‘Where do they go when they’re lost?’

      ‘They don’t go anywhere,’ she smiled. ‘They are always in the place we dropped them or left them behind. We’re just not looking in the right area when we can’t find them.’

      ‘But I’ve looked in all the places, Mum. I always do.’

      I had, I always did. I turned everything upside down; there was no place in the small house that ever went untouched.

      ‘A sock can’t just get up and walk away without a foot in it,’ Mum false-laughed.

      You see, just like how Mum gave up right there, that’s the point when most people stop wondering, when most people stop caring. You can’t find something, you know it’s somewhere and even though you’ve looked everywhere there’s still no sign. So you put it down to your own madness, blame yourself for losing it and eventually forget about it. I couldn’t do that.

      I remember my dad returning from work that evening to a house that had been literally turned upside down.

      ‘Lose something, honey?’

      ‘My blue sock with the white stripes,’ came my muffled reply from under the couch.

      ‘Just the one again?’

      I nodded.

      ‘Left foot or right foot?’

      ‘Left.’

      ‘OK, I’ll look upstairs.’ He hung his coat on the rack by the door, placed his umbrella in the stand, gave his flustered wife a tender kiss on the cheek and an encouraging rub on the back and then made his way upstairs. For two hours he stayed in my parents’ room, looking, but I couldn’t hear him moving around. One peep through the keyhole revealed a man lying on his back on the bed with a face cloth over his eyes.

      On my visits in later years they would ask the same easy-going questions that were never intended to be intrusive, but to someone who was already armoured up to her eyeballs they felt as such.

      ‘Any interesting cases at work?’

      ‘What’s going on in Dublin?’

      ‘How’s the apartment?’

      ‘Any boyfriends?’

      There were never any boyfriends; I didn’t want another pair of eyes as telling as my parents’ haunting me day in and day out. I’d had lovers and fighters, boyfriends, men-friends and one-night-only friends. I’d tried enough to know that anything long term wasn’t going to work. I couldn’t be intimate; I couldn’t care enough, give enough or want enough. I had no desire for what these men offered, they had no understanding of what I wanted, so tight smiles all round while I told my parents that work was fine, Dublin was busy, the apartment was great and no, no boyfriends.

      Every single time I left the house, even the times when I cut my visits short, Dad would announce proudly that I was the best thing to come out of Leitrim.

      The fault never lay with Leitrim, nor did it with my parents. They were so supportive, and I only realise it now. I’m finding that with every passing day, that realisation is so much more frustrating than never finding anything.

       4

      When Jenny-May Butler went missing, her final insult was to take a part of me with her. I think we’ve established that after her disappearance there was a part of me that was missing. The older I got, the taller I got, the more that hole within me stretched until it was gaping throughout my adult life, like a wide-eyed jaw-dropping fish on ice. But how did I physically go missing? How did I get to where I am now? First question and most importantly, where am I now?

      I’m here and that’s all I know.

      I look around and search for familiarity. I wander constantly and search for the road that leads out of here but there isn’t one. Where is here? I wish I knew. It’s cluttered with personal possessions: car

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