LITMIR.BIZ

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house in question has been knocked about a bit and boasts a very big sitting-room window of almost shop-like proportions. An obvious challenge for the Nugget in its role as window cleaner extraordinary. I will forget about the phoney appliance survey lead-in and go straight for the U.S.P. (Unique Selling Proposition, what else?).

      ‘Good morning, madam miss,’ I say tumbling the words after each other to prevent interruption. ‘I was walking down the street and my eye was immediately taken by your house. Remarkable architecture. Very elegant, stands out like a sore – like a beacon. Beautiful. All that light. Must be a boon. But – I can see you have a problem keeping those windows spotless. Now, it so happens that I have here the product that your house might have been built for – The Noggett Nugget. It’s not just a window cleaner. It’s a vacuum cleaner, floor polisher, carpet shampooer and – should you ever require it – it actually unblocks drains. Remarkable I am certain you will agree. “Ah, hah,” I can hear you saying, “but does it come from a reputable manufacturer?” The answer, most certainly is “yes”. Klamikazi has been a household word in Japan since time immoral and we all know the reputation the Japanese have for manufacturing skills, don’t we? I don’t want you to take my word for it. I would like you to have the opportunity of seeing this product in action for yourself. When you have done that I am certain that you will agree that you cannot afford to be without one.’

      ‘Come in,’ says the woman. She peers out into the street and as I turn round I see half a dozen curtains dropping back into place. ‘They’ve got minds like sewers around here,’ says my prospective customer. ‘Just because my husband is away a lot they reckon – you know – eh?’

      ‘Yes,’ I say hurriedly. She is wearing a frilly housecoat which makes her tits look like a couple of easter eggs in a presentation basket but I do not care about that at the moment. I need a sale. ‘Stores away anywhere,’ I say, tapping the carton. ‘When you see what’s inside this lot you wouldn’t believe that so much equipment could be tucked away in such a small space.’

      ‘O-o-oh!’ she says, ‘you’re whetting my appetite.’

      ‘Excellent,’ I say, ‘where would you—let’s go in here.’ I open the sitting room door and quickly start assembling, the Nugget. The packaging has got a bit rain-sodden and is beginning to fall apart but provided I keep talking everything should be alright. ‘I think that one of the things that is going to amaze you is the way everything is so easy to assemble,’ I say, casually unscrewing the drain cleaner which I have mistakenly connected to the suction nozzle. ‘I am certain you will agree too that the attractive grey colour is ideal in that it does not show up scuff marks and is restful to the eye, unlike the harsh blinding colours you can find on some other products.’

      ‘Do you want to take your jacket off?’ says the woman.

      ‘Thank you, madam. Now, there we are. Everything fixed up. That didn’t take long, did it?’

      ‘You’ve played a lot of sport in your time, haven’t you?’

      ‘Er, yes. I used to play a bit of soccer and rugby netball. Now let’s –’

      ‘I thought so. You’ve got an athlete’s body, haven’t you?’

      ‘If you say so, thanks. Now watch carefully. We’ll have a dry run first so you can get a feel of the action. What’s the matter?’

      ‘The things you say,’ she says, suppressing a contrived giggle. ‘You should listen to yourself. A girl could get the wrong idea about what you were trying to sell.’

      ‘Ho, ho,’ I say, ‘we don’t want that, do we? Now watch carefully.’ It has occurred to me, rather late in the day, that I have never seen the window cleaning feature demonstrated, and I am going by what I remember reading in the product leaflet. Since this was written in Japanese my knowledge is a bit sketchy.

      ‘Could I buy one of these on the never never?’

      ‘Oh, I’m certain we could arrange very advantageous Hire Purchase terms.’

      ‘Would you come round and pick up the instalments?’

      ‘No,’ I say firmly, ‘I don’t think so.’

      This is the kind of bird you want to meet at about half past three when you have completed ten successful calls, not when you are still struggling for your first tickle.

      ‘You’ve got some muscles on you, haven’t you?’

      I am holding the Nugget against the sheet glass and she runs a finger over one of my biceps and pouts her lips at me.

      ‘You have a choice of either “up-down” or “circular” rhythm,’ I explain, clearing my throat. ‘We recommend that you start with the circular to spread the lather and then finish off with a spot of – and then change to the up-down control to finish off. It’s important not to use too much lather but I’ll show you that in a minute.’

      ‘Gr-e-e-at’ says the bird, ‘and it does so many other things, doesn’t it? I can almost afford to get rid of my husband.’

      ‘You’re going to need him to pay for it,’ I say jokily. ‘Now, here we go.’

      I flick the switch and POW! The end of the extension arm shoots out like Henry Cooper’s left jab and the pane shatters into a hundred fragments. Like all great tragedies, it takes a little time for a full realisation of what has happened to come home to me. Not so the neighbours. Curtains are being pulled back as if a giant gust of wind has blown down the street. Frilly tits looks from the shattered pane to the Nugget.

      ‘Does it mend windows?’ she says.

      It is nearly two o’clock by the time I have finished putting in a new pane of glass and I am not looking forward to my meeting with Sid which was arranged for an hour earlier. He is not going to be pleased when he hears that I have not sold a solitary Nugget and have run up a bill for five pounds at the local glazier’s. As it happens he has other things on his mind.

      ‘Typical,’ he says, when I meet him slumped over a cup of cha in the railway buffet, ‘blooming typical. Only somebody with my luck would pick a bloke who was taken prisoner in Singapore for his first call. You should have seen his face when he saw Happy Spirit.’

      ‘He didn’t like her, Sid?’

      ‘Didn’t like her? I wouldn’t have spoken to your mother like that. All she did was offer him a sunflower.’

      ‘It sounds a nice idea.’

      ‘I thought so, Timmo. A graceful expression of friendship. Better than giving him an ever-clean, plastic hanky for his breast pocket.’

      ‘Much better, Sidney.’

      ‘And then he has to go for her like that.’

      ‘Very unnecessary.’

      ‘I thought so. I had every sympathy with the girl.’

      ‘Yes, Sid.’

      ‘I mean, I would have acted like that myself if I had been her.’

      ‘Like what, Sid?’

      ‘She threw him over the colour television sets.’

      ‘Oh dear. So there was a bit of trouble, was there?’

      ‘You could put it like that, Timmo. The rest of the girls were outside ready to march in singing the Nugget Jingle and –’

      ‘Wait a minute, Sid. “The Nugget Jingle”?’

      ‘Yes. Didn’t I tell you about that? I thought we needed a theme song that would help bridge the gap between Britain and Japan and put over what the Nugget is all about. It will be very good if we ever get on telly, too.’

      ‘Who wrote it, Sid?’

      ‘Well, I did actually.’ And to the tune of Rule Britannia, Sidney sings:

      ‘Buy a Nugget,

      It

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