LITMIR.BIZ

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know what you mean, Sidney. “Have you got a packet of Sudso”? That kind of thing.’

      ‘Exactly, Timmo. Well, we had the idea, actually it was Mr. Ishowi’s idea really, that it would be a good gimmick if we could get a team of Japanese bints going around to promote the product. Luckily, Mr. Ishowi’s nieces have a lot of friends who have always wanted to see the West and we decided this would be a wonderful opportunity to combine business with pleasure. Shrewd, huh?’

      ‘Very shrewd. Sidney. And the female angle is good as well. You don’t associate Geisha girls with anything nasty, do you?’

      ‘Exactly, Timmo. It’s all flower arrangements and tea ceremonies, isn’t it? None of the bash-bash last one through the side of the battleship is a cissy stuff. I think that this way we stand to get the best out of the Japanese tie up.’

      ‘Yeah. If Mr. Ishy can keep his karate chop under control we might just be onto something. When do the birds get here?’

      ‘With any luck they should be down tonight. I’m awaiting a call from the airport now.’

      Exciting, isn’t it. I have never had the chance to chat up any oriental frippet and now it seems I am going to be knee deep in them. Twelve are coming, according to Sidney. He is not quite certain how many of them speak English but he says the ones that can’t can go around with me as a sort of mobile window dressing. I must say that having a real Nippon bint to demonstrate the ‘Nugget’, should work wonders with the trade. They are so docile and obedient, aren’t they? Not like Rose Dunchurch and her lot. That’s the trouble with English bints. They’ve had it too easy for too long. We’re getting like the Yanks. Now, in Japan the birds are brought up to worship their menfolk; which is as it should be, of course. A woman is much happier if she has an interest in life and what could be better than keeping her old man well supplied with steak and kidney pudding and freshly darned socks? All this women’s lib nonsense gets right up my bracket. They can start sewing up the slits in their y-fronts right away as far as I am concerned. What a relief it will be to meet a few women who know their place.

      It is while churning these thoughts round my mind that I notice two thick-set schoolgirls coming into the hotel bar. They have the kind of straight-line haircuts that belong to the Woodentops, and as I snatch a second butchers at their flattened mugs, it occurs to me that it could only have been their gym slips that persuaded me that they were female. They are what you might call chunky and I am about to avert my mincepies to better things, e.g. just about anything, when Mr. Ishowi comes in and addresses them in a voice like someone gargling with the water dad leaves his dentures in. Could it be? No! It can’t! But wait – is it possible? On reflection these two moon-faced monstrosities must be Ishy’s nieces. What a carve-up! Twelve more like that and I am chucking the job in. All you could sell with those two is dark glasses.

      I try and duck down behind my menu card but – too late! Ishy has seen me.

      ‘Ah so!’ he says, scuttling towards me and pushing the ugly sisters in front of him. ‘I take the opportunity of introducing my nieces, Pearl Diver and Apple Blossom.’

      The Pearl Diver I remember was a racehorse that won the Derby and I reckon I could win the Derby if I had that bint behind me. The reflection from her gnashers could put the local lighthouse out of business. As for Apple Blossom. She looks more like a Granny Smith that got nipped by an early frost. A more repulsive duo I have not seen since Sidney and my sister Rosie played in the vicar’s production of Cinderella – and the ugly sisters were not so hot either.

      ‘Pleased to meet you,’ I say extending a hand which both birds pump up and down as if they expect water to come gushing out of my mouth. ‘How are you finding it over here?’

      It seems a pretty innocent remark to me but the birds turn to each other and dissolve into Minny Mouse giggles.

      ‘Finding what? Naughty man,’ snaps Apple Blossom, giving me a playful jab in the solar plexus with her right elbow which doubles me up against the out of work juke box.

      ‘Life generally,’ I gasp, thinking how much they take after their uncle.

      ‘We flind no life yet but we have hopes.’

      ‘Maybe you clan help us?’ says Pearl Diver.

      ‘What did you have in mind?’ I say guardedly.

      ‘We cannot flind vlolley-ball court in hotel.’

      ‘Volley-ball?’

      ‘My nieces nearly make Japanese Olympic Team,’ says Ishy proudly. ‘Volley-ball very big lady’s game in Japan.’

      ‘But you don’t have any very big ladies in Japan, do you?’ I say.

      ‘You make terrible English joke,’ says Apple Blossom angrily. ‘Japanese ladies team best in world. We train very hard.’

      And before I can say anything she dives onto the floor as if it is water. Hardly have I flinched away from this distressing sight than the other one starts raining karate chops on the edge of the bar and making loud ‘yoh hoh’!! noises which seem to be coming up from her belly in a slow lift.

      Now, I know one is British and tries to turn a blind eye to anything untoward – but really! It is a bit much, isn’t it? Especially with the hotel full of senior citizens. They are not used to that kind of thing.

      ‘Bloater Bottom! – I mean Lotus Bosom – I mean Apple Blossom!’ I squeal, ‘girls, please!’ I am getting dead worried because I can see that nasty glint coming into Ishy’s eyes again. It only needs him to start carving the place up and we could have an international incident on our hands. Luckily, he must suddenly think about those twenty thousand Klamikazi Monsoonbreakers because he makes a noise like someone hawking up half a halibut and the girls spring to their muscular little feet before you can say Hara Kari.

      ‘Their enthusiasm knows no bounds,’ he says affectionately. ‘All that energy needs to find an outlet.’ I do not like the way he looks me up and down when he says that and Pearl Diver’s skittish giggle sends cold shivers down my spine. I would not fancy being alone with those birds when they could not find their volley-ball, I can tell you.

      I confide my fears to Sidney later that evening, but he is not swift to offer promises of support in an emergency.

      ‘I know they’re not very lovely,’ he says, ‘but they are Mr. Ishowi’s nieces. I’d like you to remember that. We don’t want this deal to fall through because you played hard to get.’

      ‘Are you kidding, Sidney? Are you seriously expecting me to tangle with those two karate kittens? You’ll be cementing the deal with my mangled body if you do.’

      ‘Don’t try and make it sound too attractive,’ grins Sidney. ‘Why don’t you take them out for a spot of ten-pin bowling?’

      ‘Because they wouldn’t roll the balls down the lane, they’d chuck them!’

      ‘You’re too harsh on them,’ says Sid. ‘They’re just like the girls next door really.’

      ‘If they were, I’d be round at Australia House tomorrow morning. Don’t waste your time, Sid. I’m not getting within ten paces of those birds without an armed guard.’

      I believe that, but do you believe it? Of course you don’t. And you are dead right. At ten-thirty that evening a call comes down from Mr. Ishowi’s suite for a bottle of scotch to be sent up. I thought they all drank saki, but maybe we don’t have any.

      ‘I’ll take it up,’ I say cheerfully. ‘I need the exercise.’ When I remember those words later I could weep.

      I bound up the stairs and give a sharp tap on the door. Not a sausage. Perhaps Ishy is in the bathroom. Best to go in and leave the scotch. I knock again and open the door. There is no one about so I put the tray down on a table and am about to leave when the bathroom door opens. What comes out makes me whip the smile off my face faster than a flasher getting his old man out as the Flying Scot goes past.

      Pearl Diver,

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