LITMIR.BIZ

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we all forget that don’t we.” Julia grinned back at him and raised her glass. “To the charity Pennies for Pencils, then. May it prosper from our bumps, humiliations and bruises!”

      Harri laughed out loud and clinked his beer bottle against her glass. “To Pennies for Pencils!”

      Their quick meal over, they left the Christmas revellers to it and wandered out into the icy night. It had become chilly over the last few days and now the air sparkled with their frosty breath. Julia hugged herself; she loved this time of year. There was something truly magical about it, despite the cheap tinsel and clichéd pop songs.

      Harri raised his hand and, almost immediately, a taxi did a neat U-turn and drew up at the kerb. He looked down at Julia, the flashing Christmas lights from the restaurant turning his face alternatively red then white. It made reading his expression difficult.

      “Goodnight then, Julia, cariad.” He seemed awkward suddenly.

      “Night night, Harri.” She reached up and kissed his slightly stubbly and very warm cheek. As she did so, he moved and his mouth came to within a whisper of touching hers. But, too soon, it was gone. A cold space replaced the fuzzy feeling Julia had enjoyed all evening.

      “See you tomorrow then, Harri,” she called, disappointed that he hadn’t kissed her properly. She got into the cab and looked back for him but he’d already disappeared into the neon coloured night.

       Step Five.

      Julia allowed herself to be led to her mark to receive the verdict from the judges. She could tell yet again that Jan wasn’t pleased, his smile was forced and the arm he held around her was like banded steel – so tense was he with anger.

      It was the third show. Julia had scraped through - somehow - without ending up in the dance off but her points had been consistently low. That she was still in the competition was as big a mystery to her as it patently was to the judges. But, for some reason, the public kept ringing in and still wanted her there, fighting her corner and staying in to dance another day.

      As if in slow motion she saw Kevin, the most outspoken of the judges, open his mouth. Oh God, she thought, here comes another stream of abuse. Over the weeks, Kevin had reserved his cruellest, most cutting comments especially for her.

      “Well, darling,” began Kevin. “You always entertain us, there can be no doubt of that but whether you can dance is another matter.” A cheer went up around the studio at his first comment and boos followed his second. Kevin looked scornfully around him, his disdain for the audience was well known. “Let me finish, please.” He fixed his pale eyes back on Julia and she braced herself. “Julia dear, your posture is still dreadful despite this being the third week of the competition and we’re nearly halfway through, your footwork is appalling and you’re still letting Jan do all the work. On this performance I don’t think you should go through to the next round, I really don’t, darling.”

      At this, the audience actually hissed him. It was almost like a pantomime, thought Julia hazily, as Jan’s arm tightened its hold.

      Sonya, the sole female judge and the most venomous, piped up through the audience’s booing. “I agree Kevin, it’s week three now and we should be seeing some improvement but each week you’ve come out, Julia, and trotted out the same old stuff. And it’s getting boring. You must listen to Jan; sort out your upper body and neckline and work, work, work on your feet.”

      Julia was tired, she and Jan had put in over seven hours training each day that week and she was exhausted. She felt her throat thicken and tears caught at her. This was ridiculous she thought and tried to hide her reaction but it was too late; her shoulders began to shake and tears ran down her cheeks making a trail through the thick stage make up. The audience, scenting blood, quietened. Charlie the compere made an aaahing sound and said something like, “There there,” and then Jan dragged her off the dance floor. When they got to the back room he refused to wait for their scores and left Julia standing in front of Carol alone. Suni thrust a tissue into Julia’s hand.

      Carol wasn’t quite sure what to say and stuttered a little until she got a prompt through her ear piece. “And now, after those shocking words from the judges, how do you feel?”

      The fatuous question had what was left of Julia’s rational brain dissolving and she broke down completely. Someone tallish and solid took her in his arms and led her away from the cameras. She vaguely heard Carol flapping in the distance as she tried to fill the air time.

      Strong arms held her and a soft voice whispered: “Don’t take on so, cariad bach, it’s not worth it.” As her sobs really began to take hold Harri took her through the doors, well away from any prying cameras which may have followed them and into the chilly corridor. He was now swearing quietly in Welsh – or at least that’s what Julia assumed he was doing, there was real vitriol in the tone of his voice which suggested anger.

      He took her outside, to the courtyard in the middle of the television studios. There was a low wall which bordered a small garden and Harri led Julia to it. He sat with his arms tight around her until her sobs lessened and she was calmer.

      Julia blew her nose into the tissue Suni had given her. “Sorry.”

      “Uffern dan! What the hell for?” his accent sounded stronger and his voice was still full of anger.

      “I’m such an idiot to break down like that. God, I must look like a mess.”

      “You’re fine and it wasn’t idiotic. They really slammed into you back there. I could’ve punched Kevin.” Harri’s hand fisted.

      Julia laughed, a little tremulously, but it was a laugh at least. “Thanks for coming to my aid. I really don’t think I could’ve coped with Carol or Jan …” she trailed off; the thought of having to face Jan was horrible. “God, I’ve really messed it up haven’t I?”

      “What, by crying?”

      “No, by showing I couldn’t cope with the stress.” Julia added mournfully, “I can’t see Cabaret coming my way now.”

      “Don’t be so sure, cariad; in the face of what Jan’s made you do, they may see it as gritty determination. And as for the crying bit I think you’ll get the sympathy vote.”

      “I don’t want the sympathy vote!”

      “Do you want to stay in the competition?”

      Julia thought about it. In some strange and possibly masochistic way, she did want to stay in the competition - if only to torture Jan. But she’d really like to prove to herself and the viewers that she could improve; that she could put two feet in front of one another without falling over. “Yes,” she said, in a determined voice. “Yes, I do want to stay in.”

      “Well, there you go then. I think the viewers are seeing straight through Mr Moscow and can see how evil he’s being and are voting for you.”

      “It’s twisted!”

      Harri laughed. “It’s showbiz! Ready to go back?” He looked at her, concern in his dark eyes.

      Julia took a deep breath and gave him a wobbly smile. She nodded. “Ready as I’ll ever be. Bring it on!”

      “That’s my girl.” He stood up and held out a hand. As he did so, a solitary snowflake fell from the cold dark sky.

      “It’s snowing. Oh, it makes me feel so Christmassy!!” Julia exclaimed, with all the wonder of a small child. “It’s not often you get to see snow in the middle of London.”

      Harri looked up and followed the passage of another snowflake, making its way to the concrete. “It is indeed.” He grinned. “It’s a good omen for you!”

      “You think so?”

      “I know so.”

      Julia put out her tongue. She closed her eyes and reached her face up into the night.

      Harri gazed at her and at the vision of her pink tongue

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