LITMIR.BIZ

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now.

      Dad.

       It’s me. We haven’t spoken for a while, so I thought I’d check in. You don’t mind me writing to you, do you? That therapist thought it was a good idea when I was a kid, a way for me to ‘get my feelings out when I couldn’t vocalise them.’ I didn’t. I was so angry, I called her a name a twelve-year-old shouldn’t say out loud and the therapist was terribly understanding about it. I was livid. How dare she be so sympathetic and insightful?

       The thing is … I have news. Not good news. And you’re pretty much the first person I wanted to talk about it with. Here goes. Luke is in a coma. Lucy lost their last IVF baby. Read that again. I know. It’s horrendous. I can’t compute it, can’t even understand how this can have happened. It’s the sort of thing that happens to someone else, isn’t it? And just one of those things, not two at the same time.

       Really, Dad, I hate to sound trite, but if you know anyone with any clout up there, kick them in the bollocks, will you? Because this is really, really shit and they don’t deserve this. Lucy and Luke are good people – the best.

       To make matters worse, when it all happened, I was in bed with someone. A married man, Dad. MARRIED. And he’s one of my lecturers at college. Yeah. I know. I can imagine what you’re thinking. Not what you want to hear about your little girl, but you don’t have to tell me how stupid I am, because I already know. Trouble is, I think I kind of love him. That sounds juvenile. I don’t ‘think’ and I don’t ‘kind of.’ I just do. Love him, that is. And it’s scary. I’ve fallen hard and quickly – the worst way to fall, right? Especially when you know that person isn’t right for you. I haven’t told anyone yet, by the way. Not even him.

       Listen, I’ve emailed Ade to tell him about Luke and I think he’s coming home once he’s sorted a few things out. He was devastated … really shocked. I’m not sure how Mum will feel about Ade possibly coming back; she doesn’t even know Ade and I are in touch, albeit sporadically. They haven’t spoken for years … since Ade left, in fact.

       Anyway, that’s it, Dad. A lot to take in, I know. If I can just leave it with you, you know, the kicking in the bollocks bit? Thanks. I wish I could …

      Nell broke off, feeling someone peering over her shoulder. She screwed the piece of paper up into a ball.

      ‘What’s that?’

      It was Cal. He looked rather professorial in a jacket with those weird leather patches at the elbows. Surely rather warm on a day like today?

      ‘Are you starting your new assignment already?’

      ‘Er, no.’ Nell shoved the balled-up letter into her bag. ‘Sorry. What with Luke and everything …’

      ‘Of course, the accident.’ Cal shifted the stack of papers he was carrying from one arm to the other. The sun made his golden hair appear dappled. ‘Yes. How is he? Any change? I’m worried about him. About you.’

      Nell felt as if she was basking in the glow of his concern and she felt a flash of something inside. No. She tried to push it down. She didn’t want to love Cal. She wasn’t allowed.

      ‘No. he’s the same. So, he’s terrible, basically. He’s in a coma and my sister-in-law lost their baby the same day. She was four months pregnant.’

      Shock registered on Cal’s face. ‘Darling. That’s horrendous.’ He gave a courteous nod to another senior-looking lecturer before squatting down beside Nell. ‘You’ve been through hell. Are you okay?’

      Nell shook her head. ‘Not really. No, I’m not. He’s … Luke’s broken.’ She sniffed. ‘I mean, literally. He’s broken almost every bone and they think he might have brain damage. He’s not responding to anyone and the doctors keep doing that thing where they deliver the same news over and over again, something in their manner telling you to prepare yourself for the worst, you know?’

      Cal’s brows knitted together. ‘Really? You get that from them repeating the same prognosis?’ His eyes, when they met hers, were gentle, kindly. ‘Are you sure you’re not reading too much into things, Nell? Just because it looks bleak at the moment doesn’t mean that your brother won’t get better. I’ve been in a few situations like this … not as awful, obviously,’ he added hurriedly, ‘but I really don’t think you can assume all that from them repeating a prognosis.’

      Nell felt unconvinced, but she supposed Cal probably had more experience of these kinds of things than she did. ‘It will be all right,’ Cal assured her, standing up again. He flexed his back slightly as if it hadn’t taken kindly to squatting down.

      Nell joined him. ‘It just feels as though everything has fallen apart.’

      ‘Not everything.’ Cal leaned in as close as he could without touching her. ‘I’m here. For you. And I hate seeing you like this. What can I do to help?’

      Nell shook her head helplessly. ‘Nothing. There’s nothing you can do. At least …’

      She looked up at Cal, noticing how tanned his crooked nose was. Perhaps he marked assignments in his back garden while his children bounced on a trampoline and his wife brought him a cold beer. Nell closed her eyes, banishing the image as well as the ugly jealousy that came with it. She had no right to that feeling. Cal didn’t belong to her; he belonged to someone else.

      Nell turned the subject back to Luke. ‘I’m going to visit him later. Come with me? I could do with some moral support.’

      Cal rubbed his stubbly chin. It made a rasping sound. ‘Er, well. That could be tricky. I mean, I want to, but I’m not sure I can.’

      Nell brushed grass from the hem of her dress. ‘You’re busy … I understand …’

      ‘Well, it’s not so much that.’ Cal hoisted his papers up again. ‘It’s just … Nell, you must know that people can’t see us out together? My marriage, my career – there’s an awful lot at stake.’

      Nell’s hand, still dusting off shards of grass, halted. ‘Oh. I see.’ She let out a bitter laugh. ‘And there was me worrying about you being tied up with lectures. Don’t worry about it, Cal. As you say … there’s an awful lot at stake here.’ My brother’s life, for one, she thought, distraught.

      ‘Nell—’ Cal put a hand out, almost dropping his stack of assignments. ‘Don’t be like that. You mean the world to me; you know you do.’

      ‘It’s okay. Look, I have to go. I need to email my brother.’

      ‘Your brother?’ Cal looked perplexed.

      ‘Yes, my brother. Not Luke; Ade … obviously.’

      ‘Who’s Ade?’ Cal looked even more bewildered. ‘You’ve never mentioned Ade before.’

      Nell glanced at him, astonished. Surely she had told him about Ade? How had she missed that bit of information? She supposed she was touchy about Ade … it was one of those subjects she didn’t offer up unless she really trusted someone. She thought she trusted Cal. Perhaps she had kept something back after all.

      Cal shook his head. ‘Before you berate me for my lack of support and for being human enough to worry about my job and my home life, despite the way I feel about you, ask yourself how much you’ve even let me into your bloody life, Nell. I’m taking massive risks every day for us and you don’t even talk to me about the important stuff. This is the first time I’ve ever done this … ever had an affair … and it’s beginning to feel like a one-way street.’ He stalked past her, leaving behind an air of injured indignation and a waft of Hugo Boss.

      Nell, aware that a few nearby fashion students were eying her curiously, put her head down and carried on walking. Cal had a cheek talking about how much she’d let him into her life. She didn’t have a wife and children. She wasn’t the one saying they couldn’t be seen in public. At her brother’s bedside,

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