LITMIR.BIZ

       Chapter Four

      I was in bed when the flowers came. Two days after the show and I was still smarting from the shame, still hiding from the world. Sally had tried to reassure me that it had been fine, that I’d been fine, honestly – but then she would. That was her job.

      I knew it really wasn’t fine when Alex rang. I hadn’t heard from him for months. He didn’t speak but I recognised his silence. His silence that made me almost breathless.

      ‘Alex,’ I said urgently to the air, to the static on the phone, ‘I know it’s you.’ But he didn’t speak. He didn’t ever speak, but I felt his presence down the phone, solid, tangible. After a while, after I’d just sat there clutching the phone and hoping, he’d hung up.

      I hadn’t been out of the house since the cab had dropped me back from the studio. My father had left for a three-day teaching conference on the morning of the show, so I’d hardly even bothered to get dressed since I’d slammed the front door safely shut behind me. I knew I should see Gar, I must see her, but I couldn’t quite bear to go. Not yet. I felt too vulnerable myself.

      ‘You’re not dealing with this, Mag,’ chided Bel when she called, but then fortunately Hannah had decorated the kitchen wall with Bel’s new bright pink lipstick and Bel needed to go and shout at her, so I escaped yet more psychoanalysis by a whisker. For the time being, at least.

      I did realise that I must get up sometime. Digby kept nipping at the duvet, desperate to escape our four walls. I ignored him as he ran in rings round the bed, gazing at the dinosaur-shaped stain on the ceiling, the stain that had existed for as long as I could remember. But even I was getting bored now. Woman’s Hour was wittering on about inequality in the workplace and then Jenni Murray announced that next up was the inimitable Renee Owen to talk about growing up in the valleys with nothing but an alcoholic father and seventeen siblings, her amazing success against all the odds – and I groaned with disgust and threw a pillow at the radio. It missed, sending my latest mug of cold tea splashing all over the pale carpet. And then the doorbell rang.

      I thumped down the stairs in my mum’s old frilly dressing-gown that I’d never had the heart to throw out, and the spotty youth at the front door blushed as bright as one of my father’s prize tomatoes. I wondered if I still had it, if I’d ever had it, and then I saw the flowers and nearly gagged. Lilies again.

      ‘For me? Are you sure?’

      ‘Maggie Warren, it says here. That you?’ He couldn’t quite drag his eyes from the gaping dressing-gown.

      ‘Yes, that’s me. Do you know who they’re from?’

      He drew his hood closer round his chilly crew-cut and gave his clipboard a cursory glance. He shrugged. ‘No name, man. I just deliver ’em. Look at the card, why don’t you?’

      Frowning, I leaned my crutch against the door and fumbled with the flimsy little envelope. It was speared amid the blooms that strained out to the light, that made me think only of death. A gust of wind sent a flurry of raindrops from the withered creeper above me pattering down on my head. I couldn’t extract the card until the envelope ripped clean in two, exposing the bald text.

      ‘To Maggie, with dying gratitude.’ My skin prickled. I turned the card over, but there was no name anywhere. I shivered as the hoody shoved the flowers at me, kept my arms clamped by my side, the card still between my cold fingers. ‘Are you sure you don’t know who they’re from?’

      ‘I tol’ you already.’ He was surly with offence. ‘I’m not lying. Do you wan’ ’em or not?’

      ‘I suppose.’ Reluctantly, I took the waxy flowers. Pollen from the swollen stamen speckled my naked arm. ‘Thanks.’ I licked my finger but I couldn’t get the pollen stain off.

      Hoody leered. ‘I ’spect they’re from a secret admirer.’

      I’d just spent ten minutes easing my tracksuit bottoms over my bad foot only to realise I’d put them on the wrong way round when the doorbell pealed again. I scraped my frankly filthy hair back off my face as someone insistently held the bell down.

      ‘Have patience for the cripple,’ I muttered, reaching for the banister, Digby nearly unbalancing me as he went scurrying between my feet. I plucked the door back before the bell could sound again.

      ‘Did you find out who the flowers were from?’

      My heart jolted painfully in my chest. ‘Oh!’

      It was Fay, swaddled in glossy fake fur.

      ‘Surprise!’ she breezed. ‘I just came to see how you are,’ and then she was in, dipping under my arm, into my father’s house. Uninvited. Digby skittered behind my legs. ‘Coward,’ I muttered at him.

      ‘Amazing flowers,’ she called, already in the kitchen where I’d earlier shoved the bouquet into the sink. ‘New boyfriend?’

      ‘No.’ I hobbled after her, trying to keep up. ‘No. I haven’t got a – look, actually, Fay –’

      ‘Are you still single?’ she breathed, swinging round, her big eyes all compassion. ‘Oh well. We’ll have to do something about that, won’t we?’

      ‘Will we?’ I asked foolishly.

      She smiled patiently.

      ‘Fay,’ I was as polite as I could be, ‘it’s just – I’m just wondering, how did you know where I lived?’

      ‘Oh, you know.’

      ‘Well, no, I don’t really.’

      She affected thought, one small finger resting childlike on her pointy chin. ‘Do you know, I can’t remember now. From the hospital I think.’

      I frowned. ‘What, they just gave out my address? Just like that?’

      ‘Oh no, maybe not.’ A shrug of her delicate little shoulders. Her coat fell open to reveal a rather inappropriate dress. Lacy. A lot of flesh. I looked away. ‘Maybe from Renee Reveals.’

      ‘I mean – I don’t even live here normally. I live –’ It suddenly seemed unimportant. ‘I did live near Borough Market,’ I trailed off miserably. ‘This is my dad’s house.’

      ‘Oh, Borough Market’s fabulous, isn’t it? So olde-worlde.’ She pronounced the ‘e’s like ‘y’s. ‘Lucky you. They’ve asked me back, you know.’

      I gazed at her.

      ‘The show.’ Her eyes were gleaming.

      My heart sank further. ‘Oh, have they?’ I leaned heavily against the table. My foot was really hurting now. ‘Great. Good for you.’

      Fay was pacing round the kitchen, picking everything up and giving it a quick but thorough examination. ‘I know – brilliant, isn’t it? Told you it was the start of something huge.’ She had my mother’s picture in her hand now, the photo of her pregnant with me, ripe as a peach, her titian hair tumbling over her smocked paisley shoulders, serene and smiling fit to burst.

      ‘Sorry, Fay, would you mind –’

      ‘Who’s this? Your mum? Lovely, isn’t she? You’re very similar.’ She picked up another photo of me and my grandmother. ‘And this? Must be your grandma, is it? Got the same blue eyes as you.’

      ‘Yes, Gar. She’s called Gar.’

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