LITMIR.BIZ

       Chapter One

      ‘Stop kicking me.’

      Arthur had been dreaming of thundering hooves, when suddenly the hooves came to life. Fay hadn’t been dreaming of anything, and redoubled her efforts.

      ‘I have to keep kicking you! Otherwise you don’t get up and go make the tea.’

      ‘Why don’t you use the energy you’re expending on hurting my legs to get up and go make the tea?’

      ‘What are you, a time and motion expert?’

      ‘Yes, actually!’

      Arthur sighed. An argumentative approach to mornings with Fay had never benefited him before and seemed unlikely to start now. He rolled out of bed, wincing. Outside it was still dark.

      ‘There’s no milk!’

      There was no reply, either. Fay had rolled over and grabbed the pillow, luxuriating in a few extra seconds of warmth – his warmth, Arthur thought crossly.

      ‘Do you want juice, water or ketchup on your cornflakes?’

      Fay eyed him balefully. ‘I want you to remember to buy milk.’

      Arthur moved into the bathroom impatiently, as usual knocking over several of the ornamental starfish and candles with which Fay insisted on cluttering up the place. The house was a boring estate semi in Coventry, not a New England beach house. No-one would ever, ever walk into their little bathroom and think – ah! Grooved wood! Perhaps I have been magically transported to a world of fresh lobster and windswept sands. Arthur had never been to New England. He briefly wished himself there, if only because the time difference would give him another five hours of delicious sleep.

      Groaning, he stared sticky-eyed into the mirror and splashed water on his face. It was normally a nice affable face, although right now it looked cross and tired. He looked at his hair and resisted the urge to measure it. His floppy brown hair was one of his favourite things about himself and he was terrified of the day it would finally desert him, although it was bearing up all right (his forehead was just getting a bit longer, that was all). At thirty-two years old, the confused vertical groove line between his eyes was becoming permanent but his smile was lovely, which he would have known if he ever smiled at the mirror or in photographs, which he never did.

      ‘Hurry up in the bathroom!’

      For God’s sake!

      ‘You’re not allowed to hurry someone out of the bathroom and still be functionally asleep, okay?’

      He took off his pyjamas to get in the shower. When had he started wearing pyjamas? When had he and Fay stopped diving into bed naked as piglets all the time?

      He briefly considered a quick Kevin Spacey in the shower but he had to get to work … oh, Christ, work. Arthur hit the plain white tiling with his fist. He’d forgotten.

      ‘Shit. SHIT!’

      ‘Well, that’s nice,’ said Fay, wandering past the shower curtain. She was wearing a hideous dressing gown. When you thought about it, he supposed, all dressing gowns were hideous. Why had he never noticed that before? The pattern had not yet been invented that didn’t render them staggeringly unattractive. Nighties were sexy and nudie was beautiful, but dressing gowns were like dating a sausage roll.

      ‘Why don’t you take off your dressing gown and get in the shower with me?’ he said impulsively. He suddenly wanted to do something cute and fun and detract from the fact that he had just remembered that today he was due to be interviewed about his job by some people who had the power to take it away.

      ‘I thought you were busy with all the tile hitting and cursing,’ said Fay, brushing her teeth.

      ‘I was, then I saw you, a vision of loveliness in acrylic.’

      ‘Uh huh. Well, personnel issues won’t just sort themselves out, you know.’

      I bet they would, thought

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