What Addicts Know - Christopher Kennedy Lawford

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quality, but it is part of who I am at my core. Is it a part of my personality or my character that I would like to change? Yes. Just because you discover your authentic self doesn’t mean it’s necessarily good or that you like it or want to preserve it.

      I like moving fast. I like sucking the marrow out of life. It’s the family dynamic that I come from. Is it really me? I don’t know, but I’ve accepted it as part of me and I like it. There was this sort of daredevil ethic I grew up with, trying to show who you were as a man. Driving or flying a plane with a broken foot or playing football while you were skiing on a mountain was the kind of stuff that was typical in my family. The more dangerous the stunts you pulled and the more you pushed the envelope, the more attention and admiration you got. That was never who I was, though at the time I wanted to be like that.

      When we begin the process of trying to change, it’s often difficult because the behavior instilled in us is so engraved that to do something differently feels wrong. It doesn’t feel good. And addicts are addicted to feeling good. So if we’re not feeling good, many of us just feel, “What the hell do I care?”

      LIFE REWARDS AUTHENTICITY

      Geoffrey S. Mason knew he needed help when he woke up in the south of France and didn’t know where he was or what he had been doing the night before, although he knew it had something to do with an assignment covering a sporting event for ABC Sports. His increasingly heavy social drinking had stolen his identity and put him on a career treadmill that was undermining his reputation and self-esteem. So finally, in 1983, he checked himself into the Betty Ford Center.

      Five years into recovery, Geoffrey had, in his words, “reclaimed my life and my career aspirations,” and was named executive producer of ABC Sports, picking up twenty-six Emmy Awards during his career. “I wouldn’t have had even a remote prayer for getting that job if I hadn’t gotten sober,” he said. “I wouldn’t have had a remote prayer for a successful marriage before getting sober.”

      Only by getting in touch with his authentic self while in recovery, stripping away all the layers of self-deceit, was Geoffrey able to master the life skills necessary for a highly successful career and an eventual stable relationship leading to marriage. “Only when the poison in me was out of me could I know myself. There had been nothing real about my life. I was acting with artificiality. I didn’t want to lie anymore. I learned who my true self was and I was okay with myself.”

      Most human beings want to feel special. They want to feel like they matter. They want to know that when they walk into a room, people care they are there. Therein is part of the genius of 12-Step programs. When you walk into one of those 12-Step meeting rooms, people really care that you are there and they show it.

      When I first joined a 12-Step program, I thought I wanted to quit drinking and doing drugs and be a star like Tom Cruise. It took fifteen years for me to discover the real reason for me being there was to find my authentic self. A lot of people never get there. They are never able to turn their backs on who they are that doesn’t work for them anymore. You gain tremendous freedom when you discard what doesn’t work in your life.

      The recovery journey is a long one. You’re going to attain a different level of awareness and see stuff about yourself that you don’t like and want to get rid of. The journey is about getting a clearer picture of your true self—your likes and dislikes, the traits that are genuine and those that are false, and what you will keep versus what needs to be discarded.

      Part of finding and accepting the authentic self is getting to a point where you’re not a victim anymore. You make conscious choices about what you want in your life and what you don’t want. You realize, finally, it’s up to you.

      The reason why I don’t drink or take drugs today is because I don’t want to lose who I am. I would become less of Chris, and my commitment in recovery is to become more of me, not less. When you become more of you, the universe rewards you—you become happier and more successful, you have better relationships.

      I’m willing to try almost anything. I’m always curious to see whether I’ll like it and whether I’ll want to do it again. If I go scuba diving and have a miserable time, I’m not going to go again just because I think it’s cool to go scuba diving. If I go to yoga and it makes me feel good and I think it’s good for me in terms of my health, I’m going to go every day regardless of what people think.

      Much of my self-awareness has come from doing the deeper work. I’ve tried every kind of therapy imaginable. I’ve gone to workshops for relationships and for getting more in touch with the authentic self. A workshop called Sage and Warrior I did with my ex-wife was so powerful it brought us to our knees and had us crying on the floor. It wasn’t abusive, everybody was safe, but the workshop was really hard emotionally. While there, I finally experienced living in my heart and not just in my head. I’m not talking about feeling love for somebody or feeling the presence of God. In this workshop I did actually move from my head to my heart. It was like nothing I’ve ever felt from a drug, love, sex, or anything else. It was the most profound, amazing experience of my life and lasted for about three weeks and then slowly faded away.

      It might have been bliss. I felt as if I didn’t filter anything through my mind. I was completely present and totally conscious, experiencing life directly through my heart. There was nothing there but me. So I do know something better is possible.

      Attaining this awareness of an authentic self is about getting rid of the nonsense that doesn’t serve you and diminishes your experience of life. That is what happens in 12-Step program meetings because what goes on in those meeting rooms is authentic and real, more real than most people ever experience in their lifetimes. But it’s only the beginning.

      Critical to the recovery process is realizing you aren’t a victim in any part of your life, so you shouldn’t blame anything or anyone but yourself for whatever happens in your life, be it good or bad. This is the essence of taking personal responsibility and being accountable for how you live your life.

      I slip back into autopilot periodically, even when it comes to my self-awareness. Patterns and behaviors and beliefs are impressed upon us from an early age, so it’s easy to return to them sometimes. As Gandhi framed the challenge for us—and I am paraphrasing—the man who changes himself is greater than the man who conquers ten thousand armies.

      THE ROAD TO CONTENTMENT

      Meditation has been an important tool in my self-transformation process because it brings me back to being in the moment. If I take the time to meditate, I get to go on pause.

      Mindfulness techniques are as enormously useful to those in recovery as they are for “normies” who want better tools for navigating the pressures and chaos of daily life. These techniques facilitate the constant vigilance necessary to prevent relapse. If you mindfully pause before you respond or react, you can actually get more awareness in that brief interval.

      The practices of meditation and yoga keep you in the present because of their focus on the breath. Yoga in particular got me through my battle with hepatitis C. Like meditation, yoga is about shutting off the mind. The quieter my mind is, the closer I am to my authentic self.

      Before starting meditation and yoga I had no idea about breath or how important it is to health and well-being. If you’re just focused on the postures, you’re missing the point. The point is breath. Breath is everything. I used to smoke cigarettes and then cigars while in recovery. I cannot believe I did that, especially because of my awareness now about the importance of breath.

      When I separated from my wife and kids and went through hepatitis C treatment, my acting career melted away. No Tom Cruise for me. All of that happened in about a year, and that is when I decided to write my first book. During that time, I attended yoga classes every day, meditated, and went to 12-Step meetings. I could have gotten drunk or even killed myself, which a lot of people do during hepatitis C treatment because it makes you feel utterly hopeless. Instead, thanks to the breath practices, this difficult experience strengthened my recovery. I said to myself, Okay, this is razor’s edge. I can drink or take drugs. I can kill somebody or kill myself. But that’s not going to happen. I made a conscious decision that this

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