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       Brandon’s Family

      When Bob created the behavior chart, he understood how to “structure” Brandon toward greater success. He felt good about his ability to address each behavior to shape and mold his son into the man he could become. Brandon’s past was just something to be overcome. The problem was how to motivate him to make better choices.

      Brandon knew he was different from other kids. They seemed to get more fun stuff and did not argue with adults like he did. He constantly had a feeling that something bad was about to happen. He was excited about the behavior modification chart and promptly earned the first reward. But something vague inside told him that bad things were coming. Bob kept talking about how successful Brandon could be as he grew up and kept accomplishing bigger and bigger tasks.

Brandon began to feel weak and scared of failing, sometimes becoming hopeless. He did not recognize that this feeling was identical to the fear he used to feel years ago as a tiny boy who could not keep himself safe. With each “success” Brandon then became more fearful. Accordingly, the fear would diminish substantially if Brandon stopped trying to meet expectations. Bob raised his voice when asking Brandon why he gave up on working for his next reward. Brandon could not recognize within himself nor articulate to Bob that he was fearful of being controlled with prizes and that he felt like a slave having to knuckle under in order to get scraps. Losing a reward comes easily to someone who already feels like a failure.

      Brandon did not like feeling weak or like a slave. So he used his anger to be strong and in control again. So what if he didn’t earn the stupid reward that his untrustworthy dad might not give him anyway? It’s better to feel strong and in control without the reward, than weak and vulnerable while trying for success.

      Unrestrained behaviorism, when applied to a child with a N-IWM, often leads to “consequences after consequences.” By midsummer the family was sacrificing game nights and outings, because Brandon needed consequences for raiding the freezer and eating all the ice cream. Bob saw this as Brandon choosing bad behavior. The family responded to him with blame and resentment. But Brandon already knew he was a “bad kid” and he knew how to handle shaming. Family life became organized around providing negative reinforcement (ignoring) or punishment for Brandon’s problematic behaviors. There was little time or energy left for nurturing relationships. But nurture needs to occur independently of poor behaviors. When the goal is healing the trauma damage, nurturing activities and connections remain the high priority even during episodes of poor behavior. The hurt must be healed before the child can effectively make good choices. The parental relationship is the “tool” for healing the trauma.

      Training in trauma-informed parenting helped Bob and Deena to use the trauma lens to reframe Brandon’s behaviors. They could see that he had different “parts”—a healthy part that wanted to love his parents and a hurt part that was always afraid. They used some new tools that helped them to be sad rather than angry about his behaviors and reframe them as attempts to feel less afraid. They did not feel “perfect” as parents then, but felt great relief at discovering new ways to understand and engage Brandon.

As the parents changed in their approach, Brandon initially grew angry more easily than ever. He redoubled his efforts to provoke anger in Bob and Deena. Their expression of sadness for his hurt infuriated him. He insisted that he had no such part and was choosing to get the consequence, which—by the way—didn’t faze him at all. But his parents persisted in expressing sadness and their hope that he would “feel” the weakness. Each time he made a healthy choice, they celebrated the choice as evidence of his healing and predicted that good choices would become progressively easier for him. To Bob’s great surprise, one day Brandon commented that a consequence “sucked” and expressed pleasure that his hurt “baby part” was healing.

      By highlighting the N-IWM with empathy and sadness for the child’s early trauma, parents can provide an alternate experience of self. Poor behavior previously understood by Brandon and his parents as “I am bad but strong” is viewed through the trauma lens as “I am a good kid with a hurt part.” While this paradigm is initially irritating to the child, it provides a framework for long-term growth. As stated before, it’s as though behavioral interventions expect the child with a broken leg to “choose” to run. With this paradigm shift, a child may initially fear acknowledging that he has a “broken leg.” But ultimately, with the focus on trauma damage and recovery from it, running eventually becomes possible.

       Old: Parents are sufficiently capable to parent this child.

       New: Even capable parents require additional training that addresses the child’s early trauma.

      Parents can be perfectly capable of successfully parenting birth children and meeting adoptive or foster agencies’ parenting requirements. They can have advanced academic credentials. But raising a traumatized child necessitates additional training and skills. This fact does not diminish the qualifications of the parent, but instead it underscores the reality that parenting a traumatized child is so very different from ordinary parenting.

      When a child with early trauma enters into a family system, the system changes. This system will absorb and react to the child’s N-IWM. The natural reaction is to begin a Downward Spiral. The Trauma Lens Paradigm Shift offers techniques and interventions that will reverse the spiral and promote healing. These techniques will feel counterintuitive and may be viewed negatively by others. Parents using the old, familiar parenting model would “consequence” a child for a tantrum. The new model explains why the child needs “time in” with the parent rather than being sent for a time out. Being with a sad or scared child—instead of fixing the behavior—requires training and practice in co-experiencing the child’s emotions and co-regulating them with the child.

       Corey’s Family

In most cases it is neither easy nor inexpensive to return a child to “the system” after adoption. Rebecca and Danny were willing to try something new to preserve Corey’s placement even when it seemed hopeless. With time and trauma-specific treatment they were able to grieve their lost parenting expectations and accept the new paradigm. They recognized that their parenting failures stemmed from their old parenting methods. The shift did not require so much additional effort as it did adapted strategies. At first they were incredulous at the idea that they did not need to change Corey, just themselves. They were being asked to embark on a parenting effort seemingly more complicated and time-consuming than the crisp behavior modification principles they used so successfully with their birth children.

      Rebecca and Danny were annoyed and taken off guard when Corey told them he should not have consequences for making decisions from his “baby part.” But they recovered and with sadness informed him that he needed to learn to recognize how much that hurt part was costing him. “Don’t worry—you’re getting this. I can remember when you didn’t even believe you had a baby part!” they assured. Success is energizing.

       Old: My child’s problems are a reflection of my parenting skills.

       New: My child’s problems are a reflection of his/her early trauma.

      We cannot be ashamed or afraid of our children’s problematic behaviors while at the same time expecting them to acknowledge ownership and endure the fear of recovery. When we say, “No child of mine behaves like this,” we disown the child. Other common damaging statements include: “I cannot handle these behaviors,” meaning “Your behaviors are too big for me.” “I cannot stand it when you behave this way” means, “I cannot stand you.” By learning to see the child’s behaviors as a reflection of his early trauma, we preserve our self-image. We free ourselves to be sad with the child and for the child instead of fearful for ourselves. By increasing our ability to feel the child’s sadness and fear ourselves, we are able to assist him in experiencing his own emotional world. Our reduction of defensiveness makes forming alliances easier, as we no longer frame the problem as one of our defective parenting skills.

      Families need to instill in the child a feeling of having been “claimed” by them and “belonging” to and with them, in order for healing

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